It's November, three Thursdays have already passed, the smell of pumpkin pie is in the air (figuratively speaking, of course, unless you're on crack), so you all know must time it must be ...
Thanksgiving! Yee-haw! Yippee doodle dee!
I don't know about you, but Thanksgiving is absolutely my favorite holiday. It's not the turkey, or seeing my family, or watching the annual contest of burly men chasing each other around a big field that makes me love Thanksgiving so much. Those are all very interesting pursuits, but it's the idea of giving thanks that makes me feel that special fluorescent glow inside.
Why, there's plenty to be thankful for here at Dartmouth, and I don't mean the Hop specials. (I really don't -- the only people who should be thankful for Hop specials are cardiologists.)
Let's face it, Dartmouth has some pretty nifty academic resources. Let's be thankful for a few of them -- they're rather interesting, if you take a closer look.
I'm certainly thankful for, say, the geography department. Like all non-geography majors, I have no idea what this department actually teaches that can't be learned in the anthropology, sociology, earth sciences or environmental studies departments, but hey, that's fine. That just proves how extremely interesting geography must be; otherwise no one in academia could possibly find it credible at this point.
On that note, I'm also plum thankful for the classics department, whose many interesting classes just go to show how very relevant those ancient ideas are to the modern world. Was it Heraclitus or Anaximander who said that everything is water? Well, whoever it was, you can sure as heck relate to that idea, assuming, of course, you've ingested a metric ton of psychoactive drugs beforehand.
And while I'm at it, I'm thankful for the infinitely interesting Religion department, because even slackers need to major in something.
And I'm thankful for the biology, chemistry, and engineering majors ... what would all the anal workaholics do without them? They'd probably spend their nights dutifully cleaning frat basements -- far better that they tool in Kresge and Gilman and Thayer like Huxley-esque drones all the night long.
(By the way, I'm awfully sorry for using the word "tool," but I was psyched to rally to motivate to do it. It was sweet.)
And it's not just academia that we should be thankful for. How about our winning student body? I'm actually most thankful, at this point, for those Chi Gam pledges, and those signs draped around their necks like they're contestants on the world's most idiotic and demeaning game show -- I'm thinking "The Newlywed Game," or possibly "Singled Out." Every time I feast my eyes upon on of those signs and its ignominious wearer, I'm blissfully reminded of how very intact my self-esteem actually is. It's quite refreshing, really.
Incidentally, a friend of mine who lives in Panarchy told me that last week several Psi U brothers attempted to steal his cat, but when confronted they let the cat go and ran away. This sad little tale isn't particularly interesting, nor I am thankful for having heard it. What's the point of pulling a prank if you can't go through with it? I expected better, boys. Maybe Dartmouth's effete elite are losing their touch.
On a more serious note, I'm thankful to whoever put up all those signs accusing that sophomore of rape -- think of all the interesting debate that action provoked. On the off chance he's innocent of the charges, well, it's a shame he had to have his name dragged through the mud like that, but if he's guilty, well, he should probably be castrated.
I'm also thankful that it finally snowed. I was almost beginning to think we all might have an enjoyable winter that didn't trigger every case of seasonal-affective disorder like so much uranium decay setting off a Geiger counter. Whip out the Prozac, kids -- winter's finally here!
So when you're sitting around your Thanksgiving dinner table, be you with family or friends or the other customers at Denny's, I hope you remember all the warm, wonderful, and highly interesting experiences you've had here at Dartmouth, and how fortunate you are to have had them. Some of you may even be thankful for having read this column; many more of you are probably feeling something a little closer to contempt, but no matter. Isn't that whole freedom-of-speech thing just one more Dartmouth gift for which to be thankful?
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
