So the freshmen have arrived. And the question still lingers as to what to call them. 2000s? Class of Nothing? Zeroes? But who's kidding who? None of those would ever capture the true essence of this special class. So we came up with some ideas of our own ...
Carolyn Says:
As I was walking across campus the other day a freshman guy tripped right in front of me, got up, dusted himself off, picked up his glasses and tried to salvage any remainder of coolness that he had prior to this accident and asked me, "Where do I register?" So I told him where to go and he thanked me profusely while heading off. As I watched him walking in the wrong direction I couldn't help but think that perhaps the freshmen guys should be called, "I have a lot of potential to become cool. Just give me a year to learn my way around, get into a frat, figure out the subtleties of BlitzMail, and how to talk to girls without blushing, all of which I can do when I finally stop missing mom."
The other night at a room party this freshman girl stumbled into me and said, "Wow, I can't believe how many hot guys there are here. I wonder who I should go for." So I thought to myself, "Gee, I wonder if a sip of beer will have the same effect on me?" But instead I looked at her innocent face and said, "Uh huh, and they'll blitz you too." So maybe the freshmen girls should be called "I think it's really cool to be in college because older guys think I'm awesome and I can get into frats easily while my freshmen guy friends wait outside so they can walk me home when I'm ready."
Polina Says:
A few days ago I passed this group of freshmen guys who were sprawled on the stairs outside their dorm, each with a green book in one hand and a beer in the other. As I walked by, I almost suffocated because the air was saturated with self-confidence. I coughed but they eagerly mistook my allergic reaction to pollen as a come-on and yelled out, "So what page are you on?" So then I thought maybe the freshmen guys should be called, "I'm a little too excited to be here and I need to stop hitting on anything that breathes, but in a few weeks I'm sure I'll mellow out a bit and start hitting Baker instead."
A freshman girl knocked on my door the other day and squeaked, "Can I ask you something?" So I put down "War and Peace," handed her a Diet Coke and said, "Sure, what's up?" Her problem was serious -- she needed advice. A senior guy blitzed her. What should she write back? The first thing that came to mind was, "Listen, BlitzMail is an art that you haven't mastered yet. You don't want to come off too eager, but, on the other hand, he is a senior. But then again, that would make you wonder why he's alone and preying on freshman girls? But then again, maybe he's on the rebound and he really is a nice guy but on the other hand there's always the possibility that all he wants is to hook up ..." But I didn't want to cause her any more unnecessary grief so I just said, "Whatever. It really doesn't matter what you write." So after this incident I thought maybe the freshman girls should be called "Oh my gosh I don't know what to do because a big scary senior guy blitzed me and I never had to deal with such complicated things in high school."
But all joking aside, no matter what anyone chooses to call the freshman class, they're a great addition to Dartmouth and we know they will only make our school a better place. Welcome Class of 2000.
