So what's up with BlitzMail at Dartmouth? Not getting a blitz is equivalent to walking around campus with a big red "L" plastered to your forehead? Whatever, how many times have we all unplugged our computers from the printer port we were told never to touch during freshman orientation, thinking there was some connection malfunction that affected only our computers?
The only thing worse than not getting a Blitz while checking your BlitzMail at Thayer when a line of 50 people forms behind you is blitzing someone and not getting blitzed back. Blitzmail is not the United States Postal Service -- messages do not get lost, okay?
Like the time I actually mustered up enough courage to blitz that cute guy in my Italian class. All I did was ask him if I could borrow his notes since I missed everything that went on because I was staring at him, wondering how many blitzes he must get every day. Waiting for his response was like searching for an oasis of water in a scorching hot desert after roaming aimlessly for seven months in a one-piece ski suit. After several hours of staring at my screen saver I said to myself, "Self, you're pathetic." And then I unplugged my computer.
Or the time that I actually did get a blitz but it was from the guy with a 4.0 in my chem class who asked to borrow my notes even though I hadn't bought a notebook yet. But, I knew what he was really asking. So, when he saw me the next day and asked, "Hey, did you get my blitz?" I was like, "No Mr. 4.0, I didn't happen to see that big black dot next to your name. It's not like I don't check my blitz mail more times per minute than there are elements on the Periodic Table okay??" But instead I said, "Err ... yeah."
And how about communicating with people through the use of the English language? I find myself engaging in deep, philosophical, intensely emotional and sometimes even suggestive cyber conversations lasting for hours on end only to walk across the Green the next day to see the face behind the name, and all I can manage to do is grunt. But maybe I should try to salvage the few verbal skills I have left because how many times have I misinterpreted a blitz and been embarrassed for myself? BlitzMail is greatly lacking in intonation.
Okay, like when I got a blitz that said "hi" and I thought to myself, "Self, wow he wants you," and my roommate was like, "Definitely. No doubt," and my other roommate was like, "Yeah, go for it," and my friend was like, "You're so lucky." So I wrote back, "Dinner tonight?" and he wrote back, "It was good, thanks for asking." And then my roommate, my other roommate and my friend were all like, "Or maybe he doesn't like you." But whatever, who am I kidding? Life without BlitzMail would be like living in an air-tight jar with the mung that you scraped off the bottom of your shoe after coming home from a frat basement ...
