Picture this: It's the first Friday night of the term and you and your roommate head out to the row for what promises to be a night of action after winter break. On the way over, you remember how cold it gets up at Dartmouth and you wonder whether the sexy body suit you got for Christmas was intended for this sub-degree weather. Once inside, however, you are comfortably warm in a familiar sea of slightly sweaty bodies.
You head towards the tap at the back of the room, taking a casual survey of the basement. That's when you see him. He's the one you had your eye on all last term in history. You nudge your friend and say, "Don't look now, but remember that guy ..." She looks anyway, staring at him for about as long as your last relationship. You are sure that he has seen the two of you and you wonder if he is secretly flattered or laughing at your lack of subtlety. It doesn't matter though because as soon as your roommate registers who he is, she informs you that he's off this term and just up for a visit. She tells you that he's working at a law firm in New York City (original, right?) and then he's going on an LSA in the spring.
"He might as well not go to Dartmouth since we're graduating," she says. You nod mournfully. Then you decide to check out another basement, hoping that you'll run into someone with a better Dartmouth Plan.
Dating and the D Plan. Is there a more obvious flaw in the typical Dartmouth experience? I don't believe so -- but I have a solution. What if someone made baseball caps with every possible D Plan printed on the visor? I know that there are some entrepreneurial types out there who want to do this. Forget about making those Winter Carnival t-shirts. Everybody has enough tee shirts to remind them that Dartmouth students drink more and have more fun than students at other colleges (Absolut Dartmouth, Dartmouth King of Schools etc.)
The whole Dartmouth community will benefit from D Plan baseball caps. Think of that Fall term hook up during reading period, after which you discovered that he or she was an RLR and you were and LRO. Bummer, huh?
With D Plan baseball caps, you'd make wiser choices about forming attachments and spend the time you wasted on BDP's (Bad D Plan People) doing more productive things like taking Collis Miniversity's Beer Tasting Course (if you don't taste the stuff enough already).
Professors lives would be made easier if students wore D Plan baseball caps to class. When giving low grades to undeserving students, professors would be able to absolve themselves of some of their guilt if they knew for example that a particular student was an LOL -- they wouldn't have to see that student for at least nine months.
And what about those professors from another era -- the ones that actually insist that their students remove their baseball caps during class. No knowledge seeking professor would want to deprive himself of information about his students -- these caps would be considered permanent and acceptable articles of clothing, a uniform of sorts. And that way we can all forget about those bad hair days.
So picture this: It's the first Friday night of the term and you and your roommate are on your way down a set of wet and slippery stairs into the basement of your choice. That's when you see him. His back is towards you, so you're not quite sure. You nudge your roommate and she examines him discretely this time. Then he turns around and you read the front of his cap ...
He's perfect! An RRL, just like you. And this makes for an obvious pick-up line. You begin to fantasize about the next two terms at Dartmouth and the one after that when you'll both get jobs in Boston or New York. You notice that he even drinks the same kind of beer as you do -- the best! (Milwaukee's Best that is) Ahh, romantic blitz, I mean bliss ...
Think this through. D Plan baseball caps may be the only solution to one of the biggest problems on the Dartmouth campus. Naturally as a '96, my interest in the matter is somewhat diminished. Next year I'll be going out into a world in which dating and everything else is probably a little more complicated than a person's enrollment pattern. But wake up everyone else -- especially you future Student Assembly Presidential candidates out there! This is your big chance ...
