Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
Support independent student journalism. Support independent student journalism. Support independent student journalism.
The Dartmouth
July 9, 2025 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Proposal for a New Version of BlitzMail

Oneof my most memorable experiences at Dartmouth occurred during orientation week of my freshman year. Alone in my room, with a box full of Mom's famous "home-bought" Entenmann's Cookies in my hands, I heard the sound of clashing swords on my screen. Yep, I had received my first blitz.

Ah, the nostalgia that coarses through my veins as I reflect upon the olden days of BlitzMail. Back in the heyday of Dartmouth, it took over five hours to send a blitz, many blitzes were misdelivered or lost in transit and students had to use a bicycle pedalling device to generate enough power to send e-mail. For us seniors, getting a blitz usually meant losing whatever paper we were working on and, for some, losing power in their all-too-frequently candle-lit dormitory. In fact, many students opted to leave the sanctuary of their rooms, visiting other people's dorms to make use of the infamous Dartmouth Green rotary telephones.

You see, back in 1991, the building of the Steam Tunnel project was given higher priority than the development of electronic mail, and students frequently bonded by digging ditches and drilling holes in the below-zero degree Hanover temperature.

Those grand old days when every meal was all-you-can-eat because the College couldn't quite afford refrigeration devices in its kitchens. Ah, the infamous all-you-can-eat lard night at Full Fare. Wow, we were lined up for miles and miles, proudly holding our free Dick's House condoms and Robitussin, loudly eulogizing the merits of interdispersing freshmen in upperclass dorms, diligently pumping our recently delivered pony keg of "Beast" and burning our professors' published translations of Catullus.

But, with the passage of time, many integral aspects of Dartmouth have changed, the most basic of which involve Kiewit's bi-annual updates of our beloved BlitzMail. We now have campus-wide bulletins, unlimited nickname space, blind carbon copies, address books and instantaneous delivery. As fond as I am of the original grind-it-out BlitzMail system, I have gradually become accustomed to the technological wizardry that has accompanied my four-year stint at Dartmouth.

However, I do have one gripe. If we are going to fully implement a cooler looking, more efficient BlitzMail system every couple of months, let's develop a system that is sufficient for the unbelievably pressing needs of students. Such a system should include some standard elements.

Everytime you look up a person's name you should receive the following information: First, a 7 x 10 inch photograph of the person should magically appear on the screen. By no means should this be a recycled 'shmenu photo. You should then find out the sender's present dating status, which according to the latest ORC are as follows: Single, Dating, Cheat, Quicker-hooker-upper, Clueless or Mr./Ms. Emotionally unstable.

After the pertinent dating information magically appears, you should get a one-word answer to some of the more intellectually-stimulating questions asked on campus: 1) Do they know you exist?; 2) Are they fond of receiving random blitzes?; 3) Do they frequently send return-receipt blitzes?; 4) Are they a 'shmen? (synonomous with question 2); 5) What is his/her father's fist size?; 6) How much Food Court silerware do they steal per term?; 7) Do they think O.J. did it?; 8) Do they spend more than two hours a day on blitzing?; and 9) How frequently do they reply to recipients when responding to a mass blitz?

While I am still fond of many of the traditions that I have seen fade during my four-year tenure at Dartmouth, I am absolutely confident that, if implemented, this new BlitzMail system might wash away some of the bitter feelings engendered by the present administration's proposed intellectual changes.

According to a non-existent Kiewit spokesperson, this new-fangled blitz system should be one of the items recommended by the Committee on the First Year Experience. Surely it meets the administration's second objective: "To broaden prevailing student social norms through increased intellectual interaction and exchange outside the classroom." Let's just hope the administration acknowledges the absolute necessity of such a forward-looking system.