Ifyou will allow me the following cathartic luxury, I would like to share pieces of the lucid nightmare I had last night.
The day is June 11, and I and my classmates gather in the gym locker rooms to begin our procession through the tunnel under the aluminum bleachers on the east side of Memorial Field. A distorted voice emanates enthusiastically from the press box, "Let's give it up for your Dartmouth Big Green Class of 1995." The pom-poms wave and the airhorns sound.
Suddenly the mass of one thousand men and women clad in cap, gown and football cleats run across the field. Breaking through the giant "Class of 1995" banner held by the underclass cheerleaders, the players find their seats on the benches along the sidelines.
As the ceremony begins, the roar of the crowd, seated elegantly in the gum and ketchup covered bleachers, drowns out the first few speeches. Occasionally, the wave makes its way around to the middle sections, upset slightly by the sound of fraternity brothers fighting over a flying hot dog, tossed in the traditional manner by a lowly youngest brother.
After a much streamlined first half, so as not to bore the national media and other on-lookers, the halftime show begins. Amazingly, despite the combined forces of the Dartmouth College Safety and Security, Hanover Police and the U.S. Secret Service, a band of renegade underclassmen bust through the front lines and rush the field in grand fashion. Then in a true showing of class spirit one lively student elects to hang from the podium until a crowd of federal agents smother him completely.
As expected, the marching band captures the spirit of this joyous event. They form what appears at first inspection to be a Hop fry, but which upon further observation reveals itself to be a McDonald's french fry in honor of President Bill Clinton, lest the event stray from its purpose and honor the College or even the students. The halftime culminates with an appearance by the Goodyear blimp announcing a "Two-for-one with every Commencement ticket" deal at EBA's.
The second half begins in an energetic fashion with the tossing of the diplomas to the graduates by the cheerleaders, displaying their famed "miniature toy football" pinpoint accuracy. Fortunately, this part of the game takes only two minutes, so as to not bore the national media and other on-lookers.
Finally the moment we have all been waiting for: "We apologize but President Clinton had to leave today's ceremony early in order to attend an emergency cabinet meeting regarding the Whitewater scandal. The President apologizes for any inconvenience this may have caused."
