It was Tuesday night and I was up late tooling for a Psychology 26 multiple-choice mid-term, mindlessly memorizing the potentially disastrous effects of sleep deprivation on a student's retention of rote facts. The clock struck 1:59. Ignoring my psychology professor's advice to study in efficient forty-minute blocks, I rushed to the telephone, quickly dialing up EBA's and ordering a Piccola Bubba. I hate barbeque chicken pizza but love saying the words Piccola Bubba.
The night passed extremely slowly and the Piccola Bubba's barbeque sauce lingered in my stomach, preventing me from getting the full night's REM sleep that would ensure success on the next day's exam. I set my alarm clock for 8:30 a.m. and the next thing I can recall was a drool puddle next to my fully-clothed body as my clock read 9:54.
With no time to change clothes, I doused my body in $6 dollar door-to-door cologne, took a quick swig of my "I feel virile" Zima morning pick-me-up, and sprinkled some Ben-gay behind my ears.
I made the exam but insodoing incurred the wrath of one of my pre-med, "Where there's a Will there's an A" subscribing friends. "How could you bail on Govy 61 this morning? We discussed the political ramifications of the Peruvian recession, emphasizing the in-fighting between the three autonomy-seeking factions of the southeastern military quarter. Don't you realize that your parents are spending $65 for every lecture you miss this term? That's already $700 down the drain for you this term; With that kind of money, Sally Struthers could have fed an army of hungry children." (Kinda' strange how Sally Struthers seems to gain weight with each new charity commercial she does; where does that food money really go?)
Pangs of unceasing guilt overwhelmed my Jewish psyche and I immediately pictured my grandmother shaking her head, repeatedly saying "Ay gevalt...Ay gevalt...the little vance.. all that money for vut." But such guilt quickly passed as I vowed from that moment forward to get my money's worth as a full tuition-paying student at Dartmouth.
I immediately searched BlitzMail bulletins, finding out when each cluster had free food events and study breaks. In fact, this past Sunday, I had a chocolate sundae at Topliff/New Hamp, 3 slices of pizza at Hitchcock, Dunkin' Donuts at an Alumni-sponsored Picnic, barbequed hot dogs and hamburgers at a Hanover High Meet-the Teacher gathering and "free" M and M's and Reeses Pieces at the Yogurt machines in Home Plate and Food Court. I also made sure to stack up on the free pickles and croutons at Food Court and Collis.
Briskly running to Dick's house, I purchased a carton of discounted Robitussin and condoms and subsequently scheduled multiple appointments for physical check-ups and counseling services. In fact, two weeks ago week I had appointments with Dr. Reed, Dr. Baker, Dr. Hersh and Marcia Herrin.
This past week, I had an HIV test, a mono test, a rectal exam, an ear-cleaning, a bubble bath, a toe-cheese cleaning an eyebrow clipping and a mitral valve scrubbing.
This morning, I met with Dean Pelton, Dean Thum, Dean Turco, Dean Reinders, Dean Keefe, Dean Beatty and and shuttled to Harvard Law to speak with President Freedman. I then rushed over to Sanborn, Dartmouth and Gerry Halls in order to make the Office Hours of the majority of the English, Spanish and Psychology Departments. And who could forget Sanborn tea. 14 cups! Count 'em, 14 cups of Berry Zinger, Chamomille, Lemon Zinger, Strawberry Fields, Raspberry Roads, etc.
Slowly, but surely, I made my way across campus to a lecture on the neurophysiology of Central American, herbivorous, LSD-tripping, albino rats with genital warts. I then found myself in a Hanover Transit bus, watching the gas gauge slowly hit empty as I made the free round-trip from Dartmouth Hitchock to the Hanover Inn 69 times.
Finally, I went to the Dartmouth Bookstore, purchasing $400 worth of books just so I could finally use the 112 Bookstore Bucks I had saved up since freshman fall. I even snagged a couple bags full of those sickly picked apples that sit outside the Textbook Annex on my way out.
On the way home fron the bookstore, I ran into my high-strung, pre-med friend as I was picking up fifteen leftover copies of the Student Assembly Course guide from SA president Rukmini Sichitiu's room -- stuff burns better than wood. As I rifled through my silver-ware packed knapsack organizing forks on the right, spoons on the left, he asked me why I'd missed Govy and Psych class for the past three weeks. "Class, I murmured to myself, I knew I forgot to do something."
