The other evening I was in a fraternity basement, my game of cano had gone sour, so I turned to strike up a conversation with Doug Green '96. I looked up at him (Big Doug Green is a large fellow) and asked what he thought about dogs on the campus.
"I like 'em."
The College doesn't seem to agree.
"Yeah, I know and it's got me pretty upset. I heard Alpha Chi has been told they can't have dogs."
Well pets are not allowed in any College-owned residences.
"But dogs are part of Dartmouth culture, they're a tradition. And I don't mean like an Indian or rushing the field. Nobody should be in favor of a tradition that involves stomping little old ladies. Little old ladies are easily damaged. But dogs don't stomp on little old ladies. They play frisbee and sit nicely in class."
Not all dogs. Some have been known to chase cars and take pieces out of mail-carriers.
"Back home we had a term for dogs like that. They were called 'bad dogs.' Bad dogs had one of two fates, they either got sent to a farm in the country or to the gas chamber. Is there no one in the College smart enough to make the call between a good dog and a bad dog?"
You're a Government major, Doug, you should understand bureaucracies. It's very hard to teach a bureaucrat how to make a judgment call like that, they need nice clean rules to follow, like 'no dogs.'
Even if you could get bureaucrats to understand how to recognize bad dogs, they don't have time to track down the hell hounds.
"You're nuts, they'd have more time. Right now they have to deal with each and every dog that they find in a College owned residence. It would be a lot easier if they just had to check up on the reports of bad dogs."
But if you make a rule that allows pets in College owned residences that means that people in dorms could have pets.
What about the people with allergies or phobias? Or what if you just like your halls smelling like potpourri instead of dog hair?
"First of all, I'd much rather live with a dorm full of dogs than the mongrels I lived with in the Lodge last year. Not only did they trash the TV lounge every Sunday while watching football, but they also succeeded in setting off the sprinkler system and flooding my room.
"Anyway, to answer your question, simply limit pets to those College owned residences whose residents are voluntary.
"That only includes two fraternities, four sororities and one undergraduate society. If the sororities want a cat, fine. Just make the rule say you can only have a normal college student pet, a cat or a dog."
But there are all sorts of horror stories about dogs and cats being left in the house during interim locked in a room with a bucket of water and a bag of food.
"Back home we called those 'bad owners.' All you have to do is hold someone responsible, like the president of the house. Unfortunately, we can't send 'em to the gas chamber. But you can kick them out of school. You're the one who likes simple rules for simple people.
"How 'bout this: if a pet is left unattended over interim, the owner is kicked out of school. If no one fesses up to being the owner, you kick the president of the house out of school."
That certainly would end those horror stories.
"Yep, it would."
