Ice Safety

by Tyler Newby | 2/3/94 6:00am

The College is covered by a sheet of ice. As with everything risky, you can't just plunge right into walking in these conditions. You need a carefully thought out strategy. This stage of the process is crucial for future success.

The ultimate goal is to arrive at your destination with body intact. However, you have to decide what to do if you encounter a crisis. You have two viable options.

The first is to attempt to regain your balance at any cost. The usual cost is making yourself look like you have a nervous system disorder. You've seen the people flailing their arms. It looks like George Bush attempting the hip-hop. While this option preserves the body, it can lead to embarrassment, especially when executed in the presence of a crowd.

The second option, while more painful, is less emotionally damaging. Call it defeat with honor. At the first sign of slippage, just fall bravely with a thud. Then, get up as if nothing happened and feel your macho pride swell as you hear people around you say "Hey, I've never seen anyone's head do that before." Make an extreme effort at looking cool even as your forehead smacks the ice.

Flailing your arms and then falling is not an option. Although the College Task Force on Icy Sidewalks, Roads, and Footpaths (CTFISRF) has not yet released its official statement on how to avoid body to pavement contact, there are a few precautions you can take.

One economical way to get extra traction on the ice is to swaddle your shoes in Residence Hall toilet paper. This substance has an extremely abrasive surface that guarantees traction.

There is a more expensive way to get around, but for lazy yet crafty people, this option is most rewarding. Go to Eastman's pharmacy and buy an ankle or knee brace. Every time you want to go somewhere, put the brace on and call Safety and Security for a ride.

For pre-law students preparing to reap the benefits of American litigation, threaten to sue the College. Mention that you are related to the woman who was hit by the Domino's Pizza delivery car. A high ranking administrator will carry you to wherever you want to go.

Whatever you decide, remember there are a lot of people out there watching out for you. As you fall, you will hear them laughing.