7 Moms to Thank on Mother’s Day

By Annika Kouhia | 5/14/17 9:05am

Mother's Day. According to Wikipedia, it's "a celebration honoring the mother of the family, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society." For those of us who don't have moms in Hanover to celebrate, think again. The maternal energy here is palpable, and there's never been a better time to acknowledge the alternative types moms of Dartmouth:

1. The mom of your friend group

Ah, yes. You owe this girl the world. She’s the one who saw the look in your eye that one night after playing (losing) three consecutive games of pong incredibly quickly. Within five minutes you were in the privacy of some random dorm’s basement bathroom while she held your hair back. What a gal. She’s also the one who seems to always be carrying whatever you may need for a long day in the library: tissues, snacks, band-aids, a few shots, whatever you need. Without her, who knows where you may be? (Probably passed out somewhere super sketchy, tbh.)


20th Century Fox via giphy.com

2. Your UGA

Just like biological moms, UGA moms come in all types. You may get a ragey UGA who explains good pong technique during floor meetings, a ~cool~ UGA who always has snacks and condoms, a checked out UGA who doesn’t remember your name or the tiger UGA who actually enforces the substance-free aspect of your floor even though no one who lives there actually signed up for sub free. Regardless of what your UGA is like, you owe them a huge thank you. They not only put up with your ridiculous freshman antics, but also take care of like 20 of you! If I wanted that kind of stress, I would adopt 20 puppies instead. At least you know puppies won’t come home blackout on a Saturday and dismantle the common room while yelling back and forth to their friends down the hall. But your UGA chose you <3. Kind of.


Paramount Pictures via giphy.com

3. The professor you once accidentally called “mom” and now can’t look in the eye

It was an honest mistake. Probably in your 9L. You were tired, and groggy, and maybe your prof is a dude, but you just weren’t thinking! Extra embarrassment if the rest of your class heard. Double extra embarrassment if it was caught on lecture playback video. Triple extra embarrassment if it ended up on the Ivy League Snap Story. And all the extra embarrassment if the cute guy who sits two rows down and three seats to the left looked slightly uncomfortable instead of laughing like, “Wow, she’s so cute and awkward, but in such a wife-material kind of way.”


20th Century Fox Television via giphy.com

4. Phil Hanlon

Phil Hanlon is SUCH a mom. Just hear me out. Biological mom pushes you to be your best, Phil pushes to #MoveDartmouthForward! Biological mom supports ~fun~ and ~wholesome~ activities like math club and cooking, Phil supports ~alternative social spaces~ like the cube and the onion! Biological mom will ban you from using the family car because you once scraped it while trying to park, Phil will ban hibachi grills because you came home that one time and burned down your dorm! Biological mom will ground you for coming home drunk that one time, Phil will derecognize you for branding your new members! Ugh, such a mom. Send him a nice card.


PBS News via giphy.com

5. The mom of your dorm room

If you live in a single or have atrocious roommates then please feel free to skip this one — also Sad! The mom of your dorm room is the one who texts when you aren’t home by 2:30 a.m. on a Monday to make sure you are okay and leaves you a cup of tea for when you finally do get back from the library. She’ll be the one to bring you honey and cough drops when you get strep the third time in a single term. You’ll stay up late talking to her about everything from which location on campus has the best sushi to your most recent life crisis. Most importantly, she’s the one who will blast the one frat basement song she knows you can’t help but dance to on those days when you’re just not getting out of bed.


20th Television via giphy.com

6. The frat brother who always seems very concerned

You could never really tell if this guy was hitting on you or if he was honestly just super worried about his frat being on probation. Maybe both? (*swoon* is there anything more romantic than being in a love triangle with you, the love of your life and his frat??? No.) From the second you arrive to the second you leave, he is always hovering a bit. Do you need a place to put your jacket? Do you want a beer? Are you okay? Are you lost? Do you need some water? Do you want another beer? Like I said, clumsy flirtation or him wanting to be able to get you outside onto unaffiliated sidewalk territory before you boot? You don’t know, but for the time being it’s very comforting.


Buena Vista Pictures via giphy.com

7. The unwilling, but inevitably forced, mom

This could be anyone who is unlucky enough to be in close enough proximity for your tears to get on when you inevitably have some kind of break down at some point during the year. The TA in the chem class you would do anything to forget about forever, the frat boy who looked exactly like your ex-boyfriend when you were drunk, the girl standing next to you when you finally got to Collis only to realize stir fry was closed for the night. All of these people have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and have ended up with you crying on their shoulder about your problems and struggles. They didn't sign up for this, they probably made an excuse to get out as soon as possible, but for a solid two minutes they were — unwillingly — there for you.


Via giphy.com


Annika Kouhia