A Guide to Avoiding Children on the Green

By Will Peisch | 4/21/16 7:37am

I have a love/hate relationship with children. On one hand, my “Muppet”-y personality would make a lot more sense if I had a child. On the other hand, my first thought when I see a carefree, knee-high human is that they seem so puntable. Like many Dartmouth students, I am forced to confront this inner conflict daily as I hear the delighted screams ofthese cute, stupid baby people running amuck on the Green. So I've compiled some tips on how to avoid these stubby gremlins whomagnetically attract themselves to your knees:

1) Punt Them

Pros:This might be tempting seeing as they'rethe size of a ball and their fat marshmallow bodies would likely absorb the impact.
Cons: Kicking small children is frowned upon, mostly because it looks quite unsatisfying to the observer.

2) Jump Over Them

Pros: Unlike punting them, it looks really cool when you jump over a child. Take this picture from the very real Baby Jumping Festival of Castrillo de Murcia.
Cons: Baby people are startlingly good at being oblivious to the terrors around them, so when you jump over them, the child likely won’t show an ounce of gratitude. Plus, it’s possible you may run into them.

3) Run Into Them

Pros: It gets the message across that they should stay away from grown-ups. Plus, it’s good practice if you are a football player and your bloodlust hasn’t been satiated by those robot tackle dummies.
Cons: Boo-boos are a huge concern in the baby community, and any tackling may lead to permanent physical and emotional boo-boos.

4) Distract Them With Candy

Pros: Everybody loves candy.
Cons: Parents don’t love people who capitalize on this very well-known fact.

5) Tell Them Minions Are Overrated

Pros: If you can’t get the message across physically, mental warfare seems like your best bet. By eviscerating the institutions that they hold most near and dear to their hearts — "Minions" and/or “Frozen” — you will force them to question their reality and effectively distract them from running in your path. Instead, they’ll likely sit down and pull what little hair they have out of their scalps.
Cons: If they are wearing “Marvel” or “Star Wars” clothing, you are screwed. Those institutions are sacrosanct to all good Americans, young and old-ish.

6) Overcome Your Differences

Pros: Maybe you can overcome your fear of small children by sitting down and talking to them, engaging in a heart-to-heart conversation. Maybe you’ll realize there’s not much of a difference between the two of you. After all, you both like “Star Wars,” have a phobia of personal responsibility and love candy.
Cons: As fond as kids are of heart-to-heart conversations, they also seem quite fond of karate and crotch kicking, making it difficult to engage in conversation.

Will Peisch