Dartmouth Presidential Campaign Slogans

By Katelyn Rea | 2/11/16 4:59am

Now that the New Hampshire primary is officially over, you’re probably thinking the candidates no longer care about us here at Dartmouth. Well, you’re wrong. Candidates would never come to an area just to secure voters and then immediately forget about them once they’ve secured the vote. That would be morally wrong, and we all know politicians are morally upright people. Since these politicians will be back soon, I thought I might give them some ideas for new campaign slogans:

Bernie Sanders – "Join the KAF Revolution"

Bernie Sanders is a self-proclaimed democratic socialist, and if given the chance, he would take on something far bigger than Wall Street – the KAF line. He would fight with us on the front lines to take on this evil and get us our large bolds in time for 9Ls. Spilled coffee isn’t the only bern you’d be feeling, am I right?

Donald Trump – “Make the Tenders Great Again”

Now, since I know Mr. Trump fights for the little guy like you and I, he would be all over the new chicken tenders at LNC. So my suggestion? “Make the Tenders Great Again.” Simple and to the point. Those new tenders are a disgrace. When you’ve been drinking Keystone for five hours, you need the warm embrace of a good tender to put a cap on the night.

Hillary Clinton – "Hillary for Novack Justice"

When you have 7:45 a.m. drill, mornings are filled with nothing but sorrow, misery and sad Novack breakfasts. You know that once you get there, they’re going to yell “Can I help someone?” even though you’re the only one on line and alreadyat the counter. Well, Hillary understands your Novack anxiety, and she’s going to stop the madness at Novack and abolish the yelling. All she wants in exchange is for someone to teach her how to work her blitz.

Jeb Bush – "Free Food!"

Jeb’s campaign slogan is “Jeb!” and it’s a little rough. I get where he was trying to go, but honestly, he can’t hide his family name, even if he is the Khloe K. of the Bush family. So let’s use a one-liner that makes a statement, like “Free Food.” College students flock to free food and if he had some Chipotle at any of his town hall meetings in New Hampshire, he would’ve gotten more than 11% of the vote. Hey, even I would’ve voted for him. This attitude might also explainwhy my future in politics is dismal at best, but that’s beside the point. (Side note: If someone wants to explain what a goddamn caucus is to me, please blitz me.)

Katelyn Rea