New Subject

by Mary Liza Hartong and Andrew Kingsley | 4/26/16 5:04pm

We’ve all been there. Staring at the never changing “12:17 p.m.” on our laptops, back row of Astro 2, wondering what soup awaits us at Collis. Just when the planets couldn’t get more boring, the stars align, and you see her. She’s so original with her Patagonia fleece, black leggings, Dartmouth baseball cap and white Converse high tops. You’ve never seen anything like her before. But you resist. She’s a black hole. Get any closer and she’ll swallow you up.

Your best friend turns to you, observing the drool that has accumulated on your keyboard. He recommends flitzing her. But you don’t even know her name! How are you supposed to find her in this infinite vacuum of space we call Dartmouth? All seems lost until you glance at her bag. Luckily, she has her entire blitz monogrammed onto her L.L. Bean backpack. Thanks, multiverse. Okay. Here it goes. You pull up blitz and draft a series of flitzes that are sure to win her heart.

Subject Line: Hey

Hey Molly. My name’s Tony. I’m in your Astro class, you know, the guy in the back with the frat letters. I’ve seen you there and you seem really cool. Wanna hang out sometime? Or just grab Collis? Let me know.

Cool,

Tony

Subject Line: Netflix and Chill

Sup Molly. It’s Tony from Astro. There’s a new episode of “Cosmos” with Neil DeGrasse Tyson on tonight. I figured we could, you know, chill or something. Or stargaze. I guess I’m just a romantic at heart. What did Wordsworth say? I’ve got that James Dean, daydream look in my eye. And you’ve got that red lip, classic thing that I like. Poetry, am I right? Anyways, hope to see you tonight.

Sweet,

T

Subject Line: Homework help

Molly, is it? I was out sick last week from Astronomy Two and have fallen behind in class. I was wondering if we could meet for coffee or a movie to go over what I’ve missed. Maybe go canoeing, you know, just to review the moons of Saturn. Or, just go mini-golfing to cover the dark matter unit. Oh, wait, I know! We could go to the observatory. Look at the starry night, drink some champagne, observe Venus in retrograde, eat some chocolate covered strawberries, maybe see a shooting star or some lip action? If you say yes I might just big dip you into my arms.

Stellar,

Anthony

Subject Line: Take this Gov 10 survey

1. Do you like your Astro class?

2. How about your Astro prof?

3. Now look behind you. What about the guy in the back row in the pastels?

4. No, not that one. The one with sick flow.

5. Goddamnit. The only one who is awake.

6. Do you consider yourself a fiscal conservative?

7. Would you grab a meal with the cute awake guy?

Thank you for completing our survey. Your answers are a matter of life and death to us.

Apologetically,

Gov 10

Subject Line: Riddle Me This

There once was a girl named Molly who spent her days winsome and jolly. With legging tight and with converse so white, to love her would not be a folly.

Molly, should the harvest moon shine down upon the eastern most pine trees of campus tonight, you shall find me waiting in the place most hallowed to dreamers like us. Bring your quill pen and your condoms. Tonight we teach the BEMA what it means to shoot for the stars.

Waiting for the constellations of your heart,

Tony

Subject Line: Big Bang

Sup Mol. You want some molly? Cause I got some. By the way, nice rack. Want a pic of my junk? I don’t know if I can fit it in a photo though. It’s pretty big. LOL. Trust me, it’s no white dwarf. All my frat bros know. But not like that. They can just tell. You know? Frat. Wanna Big Bang later?

Lick,

Toned Tony

Subject Line: An invitation

Esteemed Molly,

Please allow me to treat you — as the the multitudinous and phenomenal womyn that you are — to a five star dinner at Pine. Or rather, you can treat me. Whatever makes you feel empowered. A womyn who chews on her pen and online shops throughout class deserves to be treated like a goddess, and that’s all I want to do. Your empty KAF cups and egregious Snapchats make me go wild with respect for you. Ms. Molly, be mine, my mochaccino, my face swap gal.

Sincerely,

Mr. A. P. Rugliano

Subject Line: Meal?

Foco?

- Tony

Sent.