Hallmark's Newest Flicks

by Mary Liza Hartong and Kate Hamilton | 10/22/15 6:01pm

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Source: Faizan Kanji

This time of year, television is filled with a colorful assortment of Halloween-themed flicks. You’ve got love-lorn witches and pesky pumpkins, but what about the other holidays? Have no fear loyal viewers, for when they’re not airing “Golden Girls” (1985) reruns or broadcasting the Puppy Bowl, nobody brings you holiday-themed films like the good ol’ Hallmark Channel. From their masterpiece, “A Boyfriend for Christmas” (2004) to their magnum opus, “The Good Witch’s Destiny” (2013), this cinematic giant never fails to elicit a hearty laugh or a heartfelt hug.

Despite the existence of so many classic Hallmark original movies, we decided there might be a few winners that have yet to make their way into the ranks of “My Boyfriends’ Dogs” (2014) and “Love’s Christmas Journey” (2011). So, here’s a look at what we came up with. Maybe by next holiday season you’ll be cuddling with your holiday honey and tuning into these new favorites.

Fearless Frogs’ Fourth of July

Little Dan and Big Tim are an unlikely pair of best friends who love nothing more than playing America’s favorite game. Their team, the Fearless Frogs, hasn’t lost a game this season. What could be better? Nothing. That is, until Mr. Moneysmoneymoney comes to town. He takes one look at the Frogs and offers them a deal— give up the field and make way for his latest Applebee’s franchise or die trying to save the field. These jumping rascals aren’t gonna give up that easily. Mr. Moneysmoneymoney might just learn that a little leap of faith goes a long way.

Milky Schemer Easter

Baby Jean Doofer is Scoopamoo County’s best cow milker, not to mention the prettiest. Her hands are insured for five million dollars by the state of Missouri. One day, all that changes, when an angry steer comes a’chargin’. Baby Jean wakes up with no memory of her past life. Who’s gonna milk the cows in time for Easter? Will Scoopamoo’s finest be able to bring back her memory in time for Jesus’ resurrection? In a roll-that-stone-away comedy, one family learns that looks and fast hands are no match for a sound mind.

Lizzy’s Labor Day Lesson

Lizzy is a big city girl with pink bedazzled nails and an attitude to match. She’s never done laundry, much less handled actual cash money. She’s the princess of Manhattan, and boy does she know it. All of that comes crashing down when her father is killed in a fracking accident and she’s forced to go live with none other than her Aunt Penny Less. Can you say ‘yuck!’ Aunt Penny says kooky things like, “please” and “thank you” and runs a sanctuary for abandoned ferrets. Just when Lizzy thinks she’ll never get the hang of declawing small, angry creatures, she runs into her high school love, Luke McCute. Luke shows her that ferret declawing is in her blood just as much as his love for her is in his heart. Lizzy just may find that discovering your roots doesn’t mean you still can’t dye ’em blonde again.

A Raw Bliss Valentines

Veronica Donogood has everything a woman wants: a CEO position, red lipstick, sexual freedom, a sick apartment and a killer shoe collection. Well, everything except traditional gender roles! Her down south is practically the set of “The Goonies.” Every year since her hysterectomy, Ronnie has hosted a F--k Guys Valentine’s soiree. This year, things aren’t going according to plan. All of her friends are getting married...ON VALENTINE’S DAY! Ronnie’s gotta get out of the city, and who knows who or what might be waiting for her on that abandoned pier. Will she say “yes” to that man at the all-night diner who dips his finger in her coffee cup seductively, or will Veronica spend yet another year in RAW BLISS?

Master Calling Christmas

“Get back here, you floozy!” Ebenezer Booze yells at his secretary. But does he mean it? Is he just projecting his insecurity about that huge genital wart onto the pristine body of his secretary, Mark, who just wants to get home to his family in time to drink some eggnog and share some Christmas cheer? As Booze dozes on his tiger skin rug, beer gut protruding into the nothingness that is human life, he meets with three ghosts who just might show him the true meaning of genital warts. Booze will see the past, present and future of his penis should he leave them untreated. Why, if only if he had told Belle to smack a wrapper on him, and if only he had been kinder to his nephew, a proctologist, he might not be sleeping in his office, alone and warty on the happiest day of the year. When he wakes, Booze might just realize that he should keep ointment in his heart all the days of the year.