With graduation just around the corner, I have been thinking about the practice of gift-giving and the obligations attached to receiving gifts. Admittedly, this line of thought comes from the hope that I may be the recipient of such gifts, which might seem like a thinly-veiled hint to any family members or friends who are reading this. Typically, presenting someone with a gift is seen as a selfless, generous act. It is not, however, always the case that the giving of a gift is meant as a gesture of kindness or friendship to the recipient. It is my position that only freely giving — offering without any expectation in return from the receiver — is actual gift-giving, complete with all the positive connotations that come with the practice. Attaching implicit expectations to a present — as opposed to explicit expectations, which by definition mark the act as a contract rather than an altruistic offering — indicates that it is not being given out of sheer generosity. When a gift-giver accords more importance to the benefits or advantages that they gain — including expressions of gratitude or a gift of their own in reciprocation — than they do to the recipient and the recipient’s feelings, the gift is distorted into a covert contractual agreement driven by self-interest.
Before discussing implicit expectations associated with gifts and their questionable moral territory, I would like to clarify that I am not arguing that a receiver should not show gratitude or return the favor at some later date. Certainly, it would be thoughtful and respectful if the receiver did these things. Anyone who chooses to give someone a gift would likely appreciate it if the recipient took a moment to write a thank-you note — but this ought not be actively required or even expected. A proper gift-giver, one who is truly generous, should not patiently wait for signs of gratitude and then be disappointed when they are not fulfilled — nor should a receiver’s full entitlement to a gift be predicated on performances of graciousness.
Though it may sound entitled to frame gifts in these terms, it is dangerous to think of them in any other way. Just as a gift should be freely given, the manner of its acceptance should be freely offered. The undue pressure of expectations on a receiver can burden those who cannot meet — or do not want to — speak out against inferred expectations. The implicit nature of such a burden exacerbates this problem, as it assumes that the receiver is fully aware of the strings attached to their gift.
Take, for instance, pong. As virtually all students and most community members are aware, a game of pong often carries with it certain expectations — though they are hardly ever articulated. Typically, playing the game with someone with whom you do not already have an established relationship — friendship or otherwise — is often taken as a signal that the invitee is open, or even obligated, to “hook up” with the inviter afterward. Clearly, a pong invitation cannot be considered an invariable gesture driven by selfless generosity, and this situation should strike us all as unfair. It is unfair for the inviter to assume that the invitee is aware and accepting of their expectation, and it is also unfair that the invitee might feel pressured to fulfill this expectation. Though no one individual can be blamed for this system of anticipated reciprocation, a complicated web of expectations and anxieties should not play a part in gift-giving.
The same holds for less clear-cut but still problematic gift exchanges, such as charity and donations. Though letters, plaques and other types of public recognition might incentivize donations, the expectation or demand of such things removes the authenticity that must be present to truly give a gift. In my view, if a donor expects anything in return, this transforms the goodness of his generosity into nothing more than ordinary selfishness.
Though I definitely intend to write my thank-you notes, I would hope that this is never seen as holding up my end of the deal. That sort of attitude would jeopardize the meaning of not only the gift, but also the thank-you note. The beauty of the exchange is that both items are freely and sincerely given — I am thanking them and they are giving not because we have to, but because we want to.
