Fridays with Marian

by Marian Lurio | 1/29/15 10:01pm

Dennis Rodman still hasn’t responded to any of my tweets, so I don’t want to spend too much time talking about him this week. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, amirite? But please do visit dennisrodman.com — you won’t be disappointed. The site is an educational adventure, and I learned several things about the basketball superstar’s life. For example, he has written a children’s book entitled “The Wild Bull,” there are Dennis Rodman “action figures” and for the reasonable price of $250 dollars, you can have your very own! You can even buy an off-white fur jacket-and-pants combo for the figurine. Personally, I wouldn’t settle for anything less than the legend himself. And an invite to North Korea wouldn’t be the worst gift I’ve received. For the time being I’d even be content with a mere tweet back once in a blue moon. It’s just the right thing to do.

Speaking of evil dictators... Can ANYONE play by the rules?! Lance Armstrong was in the news this past week for his comments on his doping in the 1990s (and after??) and how he would do it again if he were to go back in time. In the world of politics — Sheldon Silver. On Jan. 22nd, Silver, the longtime speaker of the New York State Assembly, was arrested on federal corruption charges.

Enough about NYC. Not all that far away from here is an allegedly historic city known as Boston. I’ve only been to the airport in said city, so I really know nothing about it. However, I have been following the “Deflategate” scandal of the New England Patriots, a team that I naturally associate with the city of Boston.

The Patriots aren’t strangers to controversy. All this talk about deflated balls has left me thinking about Aaron Hernandez, whose murder trial for allegedly killing Odin Lloyd in 2013 is now underway. While he has entered a plea of not guilty, there’s been a lot of talk in internet communities as to whether or not Hernandez is a psychopath. Given my obsession with psychopaths, I was eager to do some investigating of my own. I think he may be more of a high-functioning sociopath, but my biases have gotten in the way of my personal investigation. One look into those brown eyes of his (via the computer screen), and I’m lost. Don’t get me started on how handsome he looks in an orange jumpsuit.

TBH, Tom Brady is beautiful. However, the moment he opened his mouth for that news conference, I was simply disgusted with him. We are not stupid enough to believe your stupidity, Tom! Therefore, I suppose I will have to root for the Seatle Seahawks even though I have never even been to the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.

The world could be crumbling around us and “Deflategate” would still be stealing the headlines. For heavens sake, Skymall has filed for bankruptcy! I don’t know how this didn’t happen years ago because who actually has the ability or lack of self-restraint to purchase random “Star Wars” memorabilia and the other unnecessary — but awesome — items sold. I’ll be honest — if I had the disposable income (or if Dartmouth would refund my tuition on account of the alleged lack of academic rigor), I would be one of the 10 people to order stuff from Skymall. Although, since I sometimes have presumed they make the catalogue and don’t actually have a Skymall store/inventory, perhaps they could continue to produce a catalogue to read on flights.

An aside: The need to add “-gate” (#clickergate) to everything that may or may not be a conspiracy/unlawful act needs to stop.

“Clickergate” certainly grabbed our attention and made national headlines, but here in Hanover, we’ve moved onto a new set of issues. You may have attended College President Phil Hanlon’s riveting speech in Moore Auditorium, or — like me — you may have just experienced it vicariously through the #DartmouthMDF Twitter feed from the comfort of your futon and full-flannel outfit. I did get some goodies at the Vermont Flannel Company store in Woodstock, and I can confirm that they are still selling flannel thongs, which are branded as “vongs.” I think that “flongs” is more intuitive and really rolls off the tongue, but perhaps that name has been copyrighted/patented.

Back to MDF/Phil Hanlon’s public speaking skills (jk... hey Phil, I know you’re out there), if I wanted to be treated like a seven-year-old while taking college-level classes, I would have gone to Brigham Young University. Since, according to Phil, Dartmouth is not academically rigorous enough, I would like a large portion of my tuition back. Then I could scrape up the money to buy some Skymall items for the first and last time, and buy a Dennis Rodman figurine as well as multiple outfits to put him in. @StudentFinancialServices, I’ll be waiting for that check — please send it to my Hinman box.