A few weeks ago, as I walked home from Collis, I witnessed a couple in the middle of the Green. Fully going at it. At 9 p.m. Not a single passerby intervened, giggled or ogled. Actually, no one so much as flinched. This, Dartmouth, is our cry for help.
Our shock culture of public indecency has become commonplace, and our once raucous actions are not even worthy of attention. The once near-mythical “Dartmouth Seven” are now no more than a glorified bucket list to be casually checked off during an somewhat lawless four years at a college with it’s fair share of nooks and crannies. The BEMA is practically designed for hooking up, stacks sex is the norm at several schools and Hanlon himself has acknowledged that we’re going to be doing it on his lawn. We are now, dare I say it, vanilla. Despite a penchant for regularly shocking the nation with our exploits as told by various high profile news outlets, we’re just not as exciting as we were in the days of old. It’s time to step our game back up and make our crude challenges actual challenges again. Instead of routinely checking off the Top of the Hop, we suggest this new Dartmouth Seven for the conquering.
Collis Pool Tables
Ever since Sarner Underground attained the elusive title of “the new alternative social space on campus,” the beloved space once known as FUEL has slipped slowly from the collective minds of campus. The basement of Collis was renovated and now boasts pool tables, pinball machines and televisions. We would hate to see these new features go unappreciated, and what better place to add to our new seven? The open windows allow for a thrilling sense of adventure and risk. Be warned, though. A misplaced pool ball could kill the mood immediately, and that blue chalk won’t be so easy to pass off as a bruise.
Phi Delt Porch
At first, we tried to stray away from including Greek spaces on this list. After all, hooking up in a fraternity is even more commonplace than the seven and doesn’t have the same excitement and mysticism around it. But what better way to conquer dear ole Webster Avenue once and for all then perched atop a great white throne in the center?
In order to check this one off your list, however, you’ve got to combine the hookup with the proper soundtrack. When the moment of truth comes it’s absolutely necessary that “Here Comes the Sun” be played for all of Frat Row to hear, or at least some other song that would make your eighth grade friends compliment your eclectic taste in music. Bonus points if none of the people involved are brothers.
Upstairs FoCo
Charles Schulz, the creator of Charlie Brown, may have made cartoons for children, but it seems he was pretty down with the adult lifestyle, too. In a truly inspirational moment, he once said “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” Now, there is where Schulz and I seem to disagree slightly. My question is, why not both at the same time?
Upstairs FoCo, affectionately known as Narp Castle to some many of us, offers the best of the only two worlds I’ll ever need — sex and chocolate. During the off hours, you’re almost guaranteed to get a booth in the back. It has the dim lighting of FoCo’s “dark side” without all the bustle of the dinner rush. A cushioned placed to get it on is already miles ahead of most of the places on this list or the old seven. Just as you and your partner are getting to know each other, you’ll be gently caressed by the beautiful scent of the cookies being freshly baked. There’s a drink station only a few feet away for a mid-session rehydration. Sex is a lot like a FoCo cookie. One visit might seem like it satisfied you, but you almost never regret that decision to go back for seconds (or thirds).
Novack Swing Statue Thing
Recently, the University of Michigan had to remove a pendulum statue from their campus thanks to extensive “Wrecking Ball”-ing from students. Yet, we have a swingy statue on our own campus that’s been severely under-utilized for naked desecration. Plus, the rhythmic movement can add a nice balance exercise to your activities. It’s time to give this campus art the respect and attention it deserves.
Hanlon’s Kitchen Countertop
Since he knows to expect us anyway, why not keep him on his toes and take the President’s House challenge a little farther? Most students here don’t have a convenient kitchen of their own to tarnish, and we’re sure Hanlon will be more than hospitable. He even said he was looking forward to inviting students into his home (which we’ve heard is absolutely stunning) for a series of dinners. Just remember, you are a guest in his home, so don’t be ungrateful. Leave muffins, perhaps of the Lou’s variety, for the morning as you see your own muffin out.
Big Weekend Trifecta
Bonfire, Snow Sculpture, Green Key Concert Stage: Ask anyone what the most memorable parts of the years at Dartmouth are, and you’re pretty much guaranteed to hear some story about a “Big Weekend.” Hyping up our Homecoming, Winter Carnival and Green Key is just tradition at this school, so why not blend two our favorite traditions together?
Take the public displays of affection to new heights by using our campus symbols as your stage. Touch the fire like it’s never been touched before, pray that the ice sculpture is some kind of igloo and request that whatever incomprehensible rap artist is performing to do a romantic cover of “Let’s Get it On.”
During the Polar Bear Plunge
“Nothing heals a cold heart like a warm body.” While I generally try to repress my memories of what I see scribbled across bathroom stalls, this particular quote has stuck with me for a while, and I can’t think of any better justification for including the Polar Bear Plunge on this list. When you dive into that icy lake, and it feels as if your very insides have frozen solid, reach for the warm body that has so boldly chosen to partake in this tradition with you.
Of course, this one also takes a bit of preplanning, since other extremities necessary for this may have frozen solid as well. I’m not advocating for fumbling with some stranger while the rest of the school stands huddled around the pond. This should be done with someone you trust, who understands what is necessary. Think of it as a step up from cuddling. Under the dark waters of Occom Pond, no one can see you grope.
