The Dartmouth: You are a renowned baseball commentator, and there are many key issues to address as opening day approaches. First, I have a logistical question: are there any other teams currently in Major League Baseball outside of the Yankees or Red Sox? Has everyone else been demoted to the minor leagues or something? I sure haven't heard much about any other team lately, besides when Barry Bonds goes on a 'roid rage to reporters.
Dennis J. Gelner '05: I've read columns that allege that there are apparently not only other teams in the AL East but entire other divisions and even rumors of another league entirely, though it is certainly difficult to believe, given the recent media coverage. I mean, to be honest, I don't care if the Sox are going to act like high school girls and talk behind A-Rod's back about how fat he is or how his shoes don't match his purse. If they want to have a Hillary Duff/Lindsay Lohan-level "she said, she said" tiff, that's fine. Right now, though, I only care about one word: steroids. Who used them, how many home runs did they hit and how quickly can we get the asterisks into the record books.
The D: I am so impressed with former baseball standout Jose Canseco; not only did he win an MVP award, join the 40/40 club, pitch in a major league contest and adeptly bounce a homerun ball off his head, but he also is a best-selling author. I say Jose shouldn't even concern himself with the Hall of Fame. This multitalented wonder should be running for political office or something more representative of his abilities. What is your opinion on Canseco?
DG: Jose is an interesting character. On the one hand, he is so flawed " he can't put together a complete sentence without his face contorting like an Eastern European gymnast, and he now apparently is running afoul of the government for tax evasion. On the other hand, he's a whistle-blower, and there are few things the world likes more than whistle-blowers. He's throwing more people under the bus than Mo Clarett did at OSU. Also, you have to take into account the media coverage that Jose has gotten in recent weeks. I mean, there's comedy, there's high comedy and there's Jose Canseco giving an interview to Pedro Gomez on ESPN. My favorite part of the entire thing was when Jose corrected Pedro after Pedro attributed a comment to Barry Bonds as "What is that guy on?" and Jose emphatically made it a point to correct him just make sure that the f-word was used. Perfect! Make this guy a senator of some state that no one cares about " North Dakota or something " and watch the ratings of C-SPAN2 go through the roof. Can you imagine Trent Lott or Bill Frist trying to have a discussion with this guy? I'm all for it. Godspeed, Jose. Godspeed.
The D: Who do you feel is the most detestable player in Major League Baseball?
DG: Any of my loyal readers out there (perhaps all three or four of them) know that I have no love lost for one Roger "The Rocket" Clemens. It takes a special breed of snake to put on a heart-rending p.r. display by playing at a discount for his hometown team to be close to his family, then take them out to the woodshed and ask for $20 million in arbitration the next year after he undeservingly wins a Cy Young. I think he's actually the only character or issue in the game that Sox and Yanks fans can agree on -- they both seem to hate him almost universally, though that may actually be changing as the Sox fans re-embrace him for screwing over the Yankees. Also, he is allegedly one of those Little League dads who gets in the ump's face, screaming and yelling and making excuses for his son sucking, and being a former Little League ump, those are maybe my least favorite type of people in the world. The bottom line is he is a contemptible sneak and a scoundrel -- a rascal who no father should let close to his daughter. And he's probably on steroids.
The D: To your knowledge, are there any players in pro baseball who actually are not on steroids?
DG: Only one for sure---Mets utilityman Joe McEwing. Aside from that, anyone is fair game. I mean, if Marvin Benard and Randy Velarde were using, anyone could be. Randy Velarde! Even a guy like Placido Polanco, who hit maybe one or two shots a year with the Cards, then goes to the Phils where he is a twenty homerun guy in a contract year, could be on them. Before, maybe you think, "He's a hard worker. He must have a good routine." Now, because of what Jose was kind enough to do, everyone is under suspicion. And I don't want to hear this from the media about how lifting precludes you somehow from using. Nothing could be further from the truth! First of all, lifting while juicing can, believe it or not, make you even stronger. Secondly, these guys may spend hours and hours in the gym every day, but these routines are impossible if you're not taking something. Your body simply can't recover quickly enough on its own to maintain these strenuous schedules. They need help to do so, and the friendly pharmacist in Tijuana is happy to provide them with it while on an extended West Coast road trip.
The D: Which players from the movie "Major League" do you feel would have adapted the best to an actual professional baseball career?
DG: Excellent question. I have (sadly) devoted many hours to this issue, and the choices are maybe more difficult than you would think. From what I can tell, Pedro Cerano had 30 homerun power back when thirty homeruns was a lot, but he was a .240 hitter at best in the AL because he can't hit a curveball. Rick Vaughn ended up being a one-year-wonder as a starter (which he was, not a reliever, as is commonly believed) and couldn't handle the pressure that came with a big contract, though it would be interesting to see if he could make a Gagne-like conversion to full time closer. Taylor and Harris are at the end of the road, and Roger Dorn is a primma donna, hit-for-average third baseman who can't field. That leaves speedy centerfielder Willie Mays Hayes, who would be an excellent leadoff hitter if he can get on base at a .360 clip. If one considers Major League II, he also has the mindset of a baseball player, starring with former pro-wrestler-turned-governor Jesse Ventura in the box-office bomb "Black Lightning, White Thunder." However, if Major League II is in the mix, the obvious choice is Jack Parkman. A power-hitting catcher who zips off crappy one-liners like Jay Leno is simply too difficult to find in today's game.
The most successful baseball figure from the movie, though, would have to be manager Lou Brown, who goes from managing the Toledo Mudhens of the International League, to a career at tire retailer Tireworld, to managing the Indians to a division title -- a tall order before the 1995 realignment. Brown's old-school attitude and unflappable nature make him the perfect choice to shepherd a team of rag-tag ne'er-do-wells. And no, I didn't just read that line from the back of the DVD box or actor James Gammon's website.
The D: You will be venturing to the Baseball Hall of Fame in the near future. What exhibit should be there that isn't there yet? My vote would be for a chronicle of Dennis Eckersley's mullet growth.
DG: An exhibit that I would like to see is the "Players who should be here but squandered their career with drugs" wing. Charter members could include Darryl Strawberry, Dwight "Doc" Gooden, Tim "Rock" Raines, Tony Phillips, and Eric Davis. Hell, let's throw Jose in there, too. This would be a way to recognize the characters like Steve Howe who have provided us with years of entertainment by being suspended again...and again...and again...and, well, you get the picture.
My other idea is a special "gambling in baseball" exhibit, honoring many of the game's early players and, of course, Pete Rose. Pete Rose wants to be in the Hall of Fame? Fine. We'll give him a huge statue that is easy to write on with no restrictions to the public -- they can deface it in whatever manner they want. Nothing would be off limits. Crayons, paint, blood, oil, you name it; you would be able to write whatever you want on the statue. Make Pete Rose so sick of being in the Hall of Fame that he's begging to be let out. That's how jaded of a fan I've become.
The D: I happened across a scholarly piece of journalism on fraternity fashion by Alpha Delta... err, I mean The Dartmouth this past Friday. I was a little confused by a curious phrase used by a guy quoted in the article who referred to dressing like a "douchebag SAE." Coincidentally, you are a member of SAE. Could you help explain what he was referring to in his comment for those of us who are in the dark?
DG: Well first of all, I would like to commend the writer in question for being so courageous. It takes a big man to write a fashion article for The Mirror, and he should be commended for being so comfortable with his sexuality. Aside from that, I'm not going to take the bait and take a shot at AD. Of course there are plenty of deficiencies in their house that I could point out, from the sewer-like condition of their basement to their oddly homoerotic new member practices, but criticizing other houses is such a bore, I'd like to think we're above that.
As for SAE, while the torturous daily decision between Polo and Lacoste is certainly exhausting, how else am I supposed to keep the sun off my neck while playing croquet (or golf)? Should we simply use our obscene wealth to hire people to carry umbrellas around with us all day? Or worse still, not play croquet (or golf) at all? Thus, our style is far more functional than people realize, and it doesn't make us douchebags. The success, nice cars, and yachting outings maybe, but certainly not our style.
