College Should Look Into Robot Workers, Cloning and Zombies

by M. Mearls | 5/1/97 5:00am

To the Editor:

It has recently been brought to my attention that a certain campus purveyor of greasy goodness has instituted a systematic program designed to insult the economic foundation of the Dartmouth student population. Fear no more, for I have decided to turn the full weight of my genius level intellect in formulating a plan to bring hap back to the hapless Dartmouth studentry.

Plan I: Robot Workers.

While films such as "Bladerunner," "Collossus: The Forbin Project," and "Robocop II" have shown us the evils robots are capable of, I strongly believe that this option is the most worthwhile one for DDS to look into. Robots are tireless workers, display slave-like devotion, and sport sleek, silver/chrome outer hulls that prospective students will undoubtedly find attractive. The national press coverage that will follow the institution of robot workers will also do well to boost Dartmouth's image as a forward thinking, cutting edge dining establishment. Furthermore, outside of the 50 to 100 year wait for the development of the technology needed to implement this program, I see no flaws arrayed against it.

Plan II: Clones

A second option which the College must look into is cloning technology. It is only a matter of time before the recent breakthrough in sheep cloning technology can be applied to human subjects. I ask you, what better person to clone than The Happy Hop Guy? I also strongly believe that a full two-thirds of our tenured professors could be replaced with Happy Hop Guy clones without any loss of academic efficiency. Again, despite the arguments against cloning provided by "Star Wars" and that Michael Keaton movie "Multiplicity," real world cloning will lead to neither interstellar conflict nor mildly amusing marital hijinks but to a productive and pleasantly outgoing citizenry.

Plan III: Zombies

Finally, a good, hard, look must be taken at the prospect of converting the Dartmouth student body to flesh-eating zombies. Under such a plan, Dartmouth students could not help but chow down to the tune of $800 of DDS cooking a term. However, the affect this may have on enrollment rates and the logistical problems associated with procuring enough humans for dining purposes (there are only so many over-sexed summer camp-going teens to go around) may doom this plan, and I include it only for completeness.

Thank you for reading this missive. I look forward to the debate, if any, it may spark upon your editorial page.