I'm Glad to be Back

Top ten reasons I'm glad to be back: Because Enrico, my waiter at Paradise Beach Resort and Casino, charged me $18.50 for every glass of alcohol I consumed, while the brothers at Dartmouth fraternities couldn't care less if I asked to bathe in a keg instead of drinking a cup of beast, and I don't even have to tip them. 9.Because whenever the phone rang during break, instead of saying "Hello?" like a normal person, the only thing I could manage to mutter was, "Blitz me." 8.Because I got tired of watching my dog hook up. 7.Because after a week of eating my mother's Filet Mignon with Glazed Baby Carrots and Rice Pilaf and her Grilled Swordfish Served over Asparagus Spears in a Creamy Butter Sauce, not to mention her Veal Parmesan accompanied by a steaming bowl of Fettucini Alfredo, all I really wanted for dinner was a breadstick from EBAs. 6.Because as much as I love watching TV, after seeing Rolanda's special report on "Sexy UPS Men and the Cross-Dressers Who Love Them," I began to rejoice the fact that the TV in my dorm room only receives one channel. 5.Because I got tired of watching my cat hook up. 4.Because although I enjoyed contemplating the meaning of life, predicting the presidential campaign polls, discussing foreign policy and weighing the pros and cons of nuclear energy with my brother, there's only so much a two-year old can say. 3.Because when I went to visit my friends at Harvard on Saturday night, I got frostbite waiting outside because they wouldn't let me in the library without a Harvard ID. 2.Because on a Friday night after dinner, my parents hand me a dishrag and a bottle of Palmolive and say, "Finish quickly so you can go to bed", while my roommates hand me a funnel and a couple of beers and say, "Finish quickly so I can go next." 1.Because being home for spring break can be as distressing as getting housing number 4756298746592873 four years in a row and having to live in an inflatable tent on top of Mount Mousilauke while all your friends have rooms in the New Dorms and complain about the fact that the maid uses lemon scent Lysol instead of alpine fresh in their private bathroom...