Dartbeat Investigates: Are Foco Cookies Under Threat?
As our readers know, Dartbeat is a rigorous and hard-hitting journalism source. As such, we have conducted a totally real and not at all fictional investigation into the most important object at Dartmouth College: Foco cookies. Following are the 100 percent believable discoveries that we made during our investigation.
Dartbeat has never forgotten when, in December 1987, former President Ronald Reagan, after signing a treaty for the elimination of intermediate and short-range nuclear missiles with Mikhail Gorbachev, famously said, “trust but verify.” Ever since then, these three words have been Dartbeat’s credo.
The latest proof of our zealous pursuit of verified truth is the following report, made possible by the recent conclusion of a clandestine investigation that may or may not still operate within the bowels of Parkhurst. Documents, including “Keggy Kidnapping and Imprisonment Files,” “Fence in Front of Collis Over Budget; Let’s Raise Tuition” and “The Dangers of Having Too Much Fun,” were discovered. However, the subject of this report is not these documents, but rather files containing documents about the cookies served by Foco. Unfortunately, the documents pertaining to those delicious gooey discs really are the most revelatory and impactful.
“A culture of excessive consumption of chocolate chip cookies is clearly present at Dartmouth College. These cookies are not good for anything other than the taste buds. Hangovers and one-off hospital visits are nothing compared to the life-altering effects of obesity and diabetes, conditions that Foco cookies are very much capable of causing if consumed in great quantities. It is the conclusion of this report that students do not seem to be able to moderate its consumption. Therefore, the cookie must be banned.”
We were as shocked as you.
What can be done? Well, the student body’s tepid reaction to the hard alcohol ban — to the restriction of one’s right, upon turning 21, to enjoy alcoholic beverages of any proof — suggests that not much will be done. Sure, people were upset. The hard alcohol ban forbids alcohol of 30 proof or higher, forcing many Greek organizations to abandon their long traditions of sharing port or sherry in the evenings as legal brothers or sisters discuss the day’s events among themselves.
Nevertheless, Dartbeat believes the words once spoken by Mahatma Gandhi ring true:
“A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.”
If we think that nothing can be done, there will continue to be no snow sculpture at Winter Carnival. If we think that we are unable to control ourselves around hard alcohol, that same logic will soon be used to prohibit Foco cookies. Revelry carried on at Dartmouth without hard alcohol. We are not so confident this is possible in the event that Foco cookies are taken away. A significant number of students have expressed the knowledge of Foco cookies fresh out of the oven was the only thing keeping them going during midterms and finals.
Dartbeat has been, and continues to, negotiate with the College. We threaten to disclose the location of Keggy the Keg if the College does not agree to postpone the removal of the Foco cookie from campus. This cannot go on forever. They will eventually simply get rid of the cookie anyway. Students did not ask for alternative social spaces, yet we received them. True, these spaces have managed to improve the appearance of the campus, in that they are so ugly that Dartmouth’s Georgian architecture looks even more beautiful in relief. Yet, we are but one small blog. To paraphrase Daniel Webster, Class of 1801:
“It is a small [cookie], but there are those who love it.”
The students of Dartmouth have a right to know what is going to happen before Foco cookies are taken away for good. Students must act, or else the administration will inevitably prohibit the delicious Foco cookie.