How to Finesse DBA

By Lindsey Reitinger | 10/26/17 12:24pm

We are living in a strange and dark age of Dartmouth Dining: constantly changing/unpredictable hours  that never seem to be posted (@you, KAF and Food Truck), excessively long lines and unfamiliar menus plague students just trying to survive midterms and come to terms with the fact that week 7 is already halfway over. And as always, the struggle to manage your DBA is #real. For some, DBA is a prized commodity to be hoarded and only shared “if you promise you’ll pay me back….” Others suddenly find themselves with hundreds of dollars of DBA left to somehow blow before the end of the term. If you’re destined never to be in the latter category but hope to keep feeding yourself through week 10, try these six tips for ~finessing~ DBA.

Note: This article is called “How to Finesse DBA.” Not “How to Finesse DBA and Make Friends at the Same Time.” It also isn’t called “How to Finesse DBA and Build Meaningful Relationships.” Dartbeat is not liable for any friendships lost, reputations harmed or damage done by annoyed DDS employees. Reader discretion advised.

1. Cry publicly.

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I know, I know. This may seem excessive and somewhat embarrassing. But let’s face it: The grimness of week 7 makes us all want to cry a bit on the inside anyway. If you don’t have the acting talent to conjure up a few fake tears and you don’t seem to have any onions handy, just stand by the entrance to your chosen DDS location and look as sad as possible. Sadness-inducing topics include: The lack of peak foliage this year, that math midterm you had on Tuesday, that final essay coming up for a hardo prof and the existential meaninglessness of life. Hopefully, someone will eventually take pity on you and offer to buy you some cookies or something. Best results usually come from doing this in as facetimey a location as possible. Saving DBA >>>> public embarrassment and social capital, amirite??

2. Become a public nuisance.

This one is similar to option 1, but a bit trickier to pull off because you run the risk of annoying people so much that they would never buy your KAF almond milk latte with two pumps of vanilla ever again. BUT, if you’re really desperate and need food @now, follow these two steps: 1) stand in line until you get to the front and 2) once you get there, hold up the line and talk really loudly about how you can’t find your ID, and oh my goodness, you’re SO hungry. The person behind you who’s late for their 10A will eventually decide it’s worth the DBA just to shut you up and not fail their class.

3. Demand DBA in exchange for anything.

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Walking your friend to class because the buildings are right next to each other? Demand that she buy you food in exchange for your sacrifice. Scoot your chair in so the person walking behind you can get by? Calmly stop them and explain how it would really only be fair if they covered your lunch the next day. Any time you do anything that in some remote, potentially conceivable, possibly contrived, possibly imaginary way involves doing something for someone else, demand that they repay you with what you deem to be a fair amount of DBA. The only thing better than saving DBA is saving DBA and creating more justice in the world AT THE SAME TIME.

4. Base the depth of your friendships on how much DBA your friends have left.

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Let’s face it — good friends will always have your back, but only the realest of friends will always cover your mid-afternoon snack. Make sure you figure out who these gems are early on, and keep a close eye on their DBA balance to make sure they’re still being good, trustworthy and reliable friends. If they dip too low, try not to let the betrayal get to you too much — just move on and find deeper, better funded friendships. You deserve to be surrounded by only the best, least-DBA-spending people.

5. Restart the Free Food @Now GroupMe.

Somewhere in the depths of your GroupMe history lays the remains of Free Food @Now: a well-meaning chat that was tragically forgotten. Find it, revive it and reap the benefits of being able to find free food somewhere on campus at all times. Why finesse DBA when you could avoid spending it altogether by finessing food? You may have to sometimes survive on nothing but old Jewel of India and the Novack saltines, but what really matters — your DBA — will be fine!

6. Petition DDS to lower prices, increase selection and offer more affordable meal plans so finessing DBA is never an issue.

A bit of a long shot, but if all else fails, I guess you could try this too.

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Lindsey Reitinger