Freshman Fall in Graphs

By Yadira Torres | 10/4/17 10:20am

Some of us are currently experiencing the #bliss that is your first term at Dartmouth. The rest of us are probably reminiscing on the time when you were still generally unknown and dorm parties were all the rage. Let’s take a trip down #memz lane (or what awaits some of you)... through graphs. Quick shout out to our Lord and Savior Microsoft Excel for these tasty looking (albeit inexact) charts. 

Does the frat ban end week 5 or week 6? Either way, the minute the gates to every basement on campus are open, ‘21s will rush in, sliding on the wet floors and perilous stairs. Reading period will come faster than expected, and hopefully these young butterflies will switch from trying to get on table to trying to find a spot to study on 3FB. 

Don’t deny it, you’ve done this exact thing. This one specially goes out to all the wee kiddos taking Math 3/8/11 this term because they “totally killed” the Calc AB/BC exam. Tell me again how your 5 on BC will help you get above median on your midterm, again. You’ll never mention how you “basically got a 2400” (or 1600 now? I’m old) once you get the first “SEE ME!” note scribbled at the bottom of your first college paper. Don’t worry, this is basically a rite of passage. Welcome to college, my dudes. 

Sucks to Suck: AKA “The Inevitable Reality of Going to College with 500 Valedictorians.” The only thing harder than getting into Dartmouth will be getting into basically anything once here. ‘Nuff said. 

Ah, the 20 meal plan. Don’t worry ‘21s, we hate it as much as you do. We even published a guide on avoiding long lines because of you all. The line to enter Foco after 11s and 12s is borderline ridiculous, and attempting to find a seat is nearly impossible. If you manage to snag a table from a sick DP2 athlete on their way to practice, consider yourself lucky. If you manage to grab the last bit of broccoli-cheddar soup during dinner, drop out and invest in the market -- you’re officially the chosen one. 

Need I say more? The amount of beer consumed in those “dorm hangouts” is nothing compared to what you will ingest in the next four years (only if you want to!). That kid Chad on your floor may have a “connect” that gets him a couple cases for a rager every weekend, but two cases lasts maybe 10 minutes on a good night on Webster. Love it or hate it, Keystone is our drink of choice -- get ready to hit the gym or size up on shirts because the Keystone bloat is real and here to stay. 

Upperclassmen are with you on this one. We all kind of mumble the words in the middle and scream our class year whilst swaying from side to side and hoping no one notices we aren’t #real #fans. You have four years to learn it, don’t sweat it. 

See that intersection in the middle of the graph? Get used to it, it’s just one of the many X’s you’ll encounter in the next few years here. Sure, during orientation you did everything with your floor -- from schmobbin’ to Foco to meeting our boi Hanlon. But now that you have a bit more agency, things will change. Whether your floor is tight AF or just the randos you sometimes see on your way to your floor, it’s inevitable that you’ll meet hundreds of other people throughout your time here. Just remember -- it doesn’t hurt to say hi when you spot them around campus! 

You’re lying if you say you didn’t peruse through the meme page the minute you got into Dartmouth (or maybe even before). What’s a Foco? Is the Onion a real thing? Phil the Foco mug? Worry not, young grasshopper, chances are, you’ll go home and say “@now” only to be met with confused looks. If Conan can do it, so can you. 

Yadira Torres