How to Avoid Long DDS Lines

By Lindsey Reitinger | 9/22/17 3:27pm

Ever spend 45 minutes waiting for the Hop Grill? Has the KAF line already made you consistently late to your chemistry class? Sick of spending half your day waiting for food but not that interested in starving yourself? With these seven super convenient, definitely legal and absolutely socially acceptable life hacks, you’ll never have to wait in a DDS line again!


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1.Shift your schedule and internal clock to eat at off-peak times.

Skip not only lines but also human interaction by planning your entire life around eating when everyone else is busy doing things like sleeping! DDS locations are generally empty in the middle of the night (you won’t even have to see workers) or mid-afternoon. Why conform to Circadian rhythms? Why eat at ~conventional~ times? Down with the patriarchy. Break stereotypes. Eat dinner at 3 a.m.


2. Only eat from vending machines.

If option #1 sounds a little extreme or too inconvenient, restricting your dining options to vending machines is a great way to ensure a balanced diet and maximize efficiency! Vending machine food may lack variety and only accept DA$H, but the efficiency of never having to wait in line is definitely worth the extra processing and limited selection. You’ll even eat faster to try to get past the bland, stale taste! An extra perk: Most dorms and buildings have at least one vending machine so not only do you avoid lines, you also avoid both walking and sunlight! What more could anyone ask for, really?

3. Live in Foco

You’ve heard of camping out upstairs to take advantage of new meal periods, take this to the next level by setting up a nice tent — or even just moving your dorm room — upstairs in Foco. No one will notice your address change, and it’s a great way to make new friends at all times of day given that you may be sleeping under their table. This option also gives you 24/7 access to Foco cookies — something we all need in our lives.


4. Pose as a DDS worker and make yourself food behind the counter.

I know what you’re thinking. Vending machines are great in terms of efficiency, but how will I survive without ever eating a Tender Bob or Collis stir fry again?? Don’t worry, some of these tips don’t involve avoiding DDS completely. The simplest solution that allows you to truly get the best of both worlds? Sneak into your dining location of choice dressed as an employee and saunter casually behind the counter. Ideally, no one will see through your disguise, and you’ll be able to prepare your own food at your leisure before subtly ducking back out under the counter and into the real world. But, we suggest that you practice your speed-cooking skills just in case the actual employees notice the imposter among them.

5. Subtly grab food off people’s tables as you walk by.

Sometimes long lines aren’t your only DDS problem — we all know how problematic the meal plan can be. If you aren’t one of those lucky souls who somehow manages to end up with $500 DBA left at the end of the term (how do they do it?), stealing food from friends — and strangers — is the perfect way to minimize waiting and conserve precious DBA. Casually stroll through Collis patio on a nice day or wander through 3fb around 9 p.m. for prime selection.

Warning: DDS alternative may ruin friendships. Proceed at your own risk.

6. Start your own farm on the Green and never have to deal with DDS again.

HPo may have some slight issues with your new agriculture operation but don’t let that stop you! Take some tips from the O-Farm and that one ENVS class you took freshman fall and set up a full-scale farm on the middle of the Green. You can easily beat the competition at the Wednesday farmer’s market by selling produce straight from your field. Extra plus for this option: You can sell any leftover produce to the first-years as they run laps their laps around the fire in October. All that draining exercise and no viable DDS options in sight makes you a prime producer in the economic market that is Homecoming 2k17.

7. Convince the administration to design better food services and lines so they aren’t as much of an issue.

Actually, never mind. Too unrealistic.

Lindsey Reitinger