​Objective Ranking of Dartmouth Drinking Water Sources

By Margaret Jones | 11/15/16 2:00pm

Water you gonna do about it?

            Before you close out of this article without reading it, let me just say that I know what you’re thinking: Why the hell would someone take time out of their day to rank the different water sources? I, too, asked myself this same question. But it needed to happen because I am sick and goddamn tired of people telling me that ~all the water is the same~ IT IS NOT. Water is a glorious resource and, unlike the flowing sources of Keystone on this campus, goes down without any intentions of harming you.


            With the plethora of dining options we have on campus, it was only fitting that I give a rundown of the best places to get a crisp cup of water. You can thank me next time you’re hungover and looking for something extra cold to satisfy your dehydration and headache.

Courtesy of Paramount Pictures via giphy.com

1)   The Soda Fountain at the HOP

The hidden gem of DDS water, the water from the soda machine at the HOP is a magical fountain of youth that is consistently crisp, cold and tastes just like water is supposed to,which is uncorrupted by whatever DDS puts in their food and drinks these days. Plus, it has its own pump on the machine, so you never have to worry about it being tainted with remnants of Powerade or whatever other liquid was deemed worthy of sharing a machine pump with water.

Ranking: 10/10

2)   The Soda Fountains at Foco

Not to be confused with the lemon water (to be discussed), the soda fountains at Foco provide water that is very cold and quite tasty. Despite the possibility of being contaminated with the other drinks that share the pump, this water source provides a good way to stay hydrated when wandering through Foco and trying to find which food station line is the shortest.

Ranking: 8.5/10

3)   Dorm Pellet Ice Machines

Not only is pellet ice the most a-side of all ice varieties, these fabulous machines also come with a pretty good water source. The fact that you can get water without having to change out of your pajamas is a fairly lucrative opportunity. 

Ranking: 7.5/10

courtesy of NBC via giphy.com

4)   The KAF Water Cooler 

The water provided at KAF can be a lifesaver – that is, if the cooler is ever filled! The pleasing aesthetic of the silver container makes any old student feel very classy and wholesome, and the water is always cold and tasty. At the same time, however, the begrudging stares of onlookers in line while you proceed to fill your entire Nalgene can be a slight turn off. 

Ranking: 7/10

5)   FFB Water Fountain

Although its close location to the bathroom can be a bit awkward and the machine itself can be pretty fickle with whether or not the Stream function works, the FFB water fountain is pretty cold and can be a savior if you are dehydrated in the lib. Also on the plus side, the increasing number of bottles saved that is tallied makes you feel like you are saving Earth, one water bottle refill at a time. 

Ranking: 6/10

6)   Novack Water Fountain

Much like the cupboard under the stairs in Harry Potter, you can find something good in such a grim place with the Novack water fountain. Hidden under the big staircase, the water here is not quite as cold as FFB but is almost always consistently working. Despite how grim it may be that you are spending time in Novack, you can always count on water to be there for you.

Ranking: 5.5/10


Courtesy of 20th Century Fox via giphy.com

7)   Collis Water Fountain

Though the water here definitely tastes better when you’re hitting up Late Night at 1:30 a.m. on a Saturday, the Collis fountain is a fairly decent place to hydrate when you’re in need. Unfortunately, the water stream part of the fountain rarely works and is never super cold, so a majority of the time you might find yourself awkwardly trying to fit your S’well bottle under the tiny water fountain faucet. Good luck with that.

Ranking: 5/10

8)   The Downstairs Gym Water Fountain

One would think they could have a cold and functioning fountain in a place where people are exercising and need to drink more water, but alas, that would be all too convenient, now wouldn’t it?

Ranking: 4/10

Courtesy of Universal Pictures via giphy.com

9) The Foco Lemon Water 

While this might be an unpopular opinion amongst those who are too lazy to find the water in the soda machine fountains, there really is no counter argument when it comes to the fact that the Foco lemon water sucks. Please enlighten me on why they must ruin something so pure as water with something so rancid and sour as the flavor of old and gross lemons.  In all honesty, the only plus side to this water is that is it always cold, but why would you ever choose this over the fountain water anyways? 

Ranking: 2/10

10) The Novack Café Water

Honestly, I don’t know what this tastes like, as I asked for a water and the staff proceeded to tell me that there was a water fountain behind the stairs. Thanks for nothing, Novack. I will take my hot pocket business elsewhere now.

Ranking: 0/10

Hydrate or die-drate.

Margaret Jones