​This Twitter is the Most Dad Thing Ever

By Fiona Ewing | 10/24/16 6:15am

            If you don’t use Twitter anymore, there’s a good reason to start again. The Dartmouth Parents Twitter account ( @DartmouthParent) describes itself as “the insider’s guide on things to do at Dartmouth and in the Upper Valley.” That word “insider” should stick out to you right away. You know what it’s like for your parents to think they’re “in with it,” only for them to actually be completely misguided about the younger generation. Let’s take a closer look at some of these Tweets and see just where Dartmouth parents go wrong.

So many things to say about this. First, swag? Really? But also, what even is the Lemon Tree? Third, is that a keychain with the Hanover zip code on it?

When I leave campus, I need the world to see the word “Dartmouth” plastered on the side of the vehicle I’m in, just so they know I’m in the Ivy League. I refuse to leave Hanover on anything other than the Coach. Also, I would not trust anything in Lebanon to fly me through the air.

Only a parent would take a picture of the sign of the restaurant, rather than a perfectly lit shot with seven different filters of your order. But only a Dartmouth parent would take a picture of the sign outside the restaurant, rather than the one actually in the building.

Just leave me alone and let me live. The world will accept me when it’s ready.

Parent: What’s your favorite Dartmouth tradition?
You: (I can’t tell you about that)

Wow, that is a cool fact!

Cold day at 55 degrees? Clearly your parents didn’t spend last winter in Hanover. And warm hearts is definitely an understatement. No parent could understand the inner workings of a Dartmouth senior about to graduate. You’ve been jaded and broken for weeks, even months now, but as you sit in commencement something starts to stir inside you. Your heart begins to revive itself, ready to burst through the shackles of academic rigor and once again see the light of day. At least that’s how I imagine it’ll go…

You: Fun place to meet for what? Gross, Mom, just gross. How did you miss that subtext?

Parent: What happened to you at Dartmouth? You see subtext in everything now.

When your parents attempt to capture the #peakfoliage .

We’ve been over this. Stop comparing me to other people!

Thanks for reminding me how old I am. Soon I, too, will be a parent.

Fiona Ewing