The 6 Types of Freshmen

By Marguerite Irefin | 10/26/16 12:49pm

As a ’20, am I really allowed to categorize other freshmen? I've heard upperclassmen call us “the worst” (mostly to our faces), been given looks of disappointment when I ask where Foco is and have been encouraged to “touch the fire.” I get it, we move in large clumps and are pretty annoying, but what exactly is it that makes us annoying?

That’s when it hit me: There’s a different type of ’20 for every nerve you have. Maybe they're too overzealous or maybe they’re too shy. Maybe they understand the system a little too well or not well enough. Maybe you want to snap their hand off when they raise it every five minutes in class. We’re like puppies: pretty clueless with too much optimism (hopefully most of us are potty trained).  Our class is filled with great people, but there are definitely categories people can be placed in. So what type of ’20 induces the largest eye roll?

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The Athletes: They're (mostly) incredibly hot, never wear anything that isn’t made of spandex and are so in shape you just know they’ll out-live us all. Always found in groups of at least 3, freshmen athletes come to campus with 50 premade friends and dreams of bringing a championship to the school within the first five minutes. They live a life run by protein, DP2 and their mandatory bed times.

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The Econ Bros in The Making: Born and raised on the east coast, this distinct pack came to campus with a boarding school education, dreams of Wall Street and enough Nike elite socks to last them through the winter (fur-lined Sperrys are rumored but not confirmed). Like the athletes, they, too, know everyone and their cousin’s cousin, as one does when they “summer” on small east coast islands. They have one foot in the door at Goldman and their nose in a book. They will compete with you for everything, from a spot in an investment club to who can walk faster across the Green. At night, when they rest their little heads on 40,000 count silk sheets, they dream of becoming frat stars.


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The Future Presidents of the United States: Usually derived from the Facebook famous, these kids were running for class president before they were even accepted. Now they're here in real life, still posting and campaigning like Dartmouth actually gets to send a Congressman to Washington. They know every school issue front to back and believe they can simultaneously lift the hard alcohol ban and end world hunger.

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The Outdoorsmen: They climbed Everest with their bare hands when they were 12, so going to college isn’t that scary for them. You just know they were disappointed when they saw that there wasn’t a Hiking 7 option for trips, and they think the Fifty is weak at best. They're always wearing some type of hiking/climbing/kayaking gear because “life is an adventure.” They own 80% of the world’s supply of Nalgenes and have plans to stop global warming, with their bare hands of course.

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The First-Time Ragers: These are the kids who’ve never seen alcohol in their lives. Even the frat ban can’t keep them down, and they think the only way to hydrate in college is with black market beers. Everything they think school is like they learned from “I’m Shmacked.” Expect to see them wasted outside of the Fays every weekend. They already have their regulation-approved paddles ready for the end of October, and their thirst is never quenched. Don’t worry, Mom and Dad, every dorm party is their oyster, and they're thriving. 

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The Narps (Non Athletic Regular People): Ah my people. They don’t play sports, they're not passionate about anything in particular, and they're barely surviving. Going to class is enough of a commitment, and existential crises are a weekly occurrence. They haven’t done cardio since their Tamagotchi pet was still alive. You can bet they have the answers to the homework, but don’t ask them to wake up before 10 a.m. because, like bears, hibernation is an essential part of their lives.

Of course, there are many more types of ’20s, and dare I say some of us straddle more than one lifestyle in particular. Whether you think we’re annoying or not, we’ll be here for three more years. We’re just happy to be here. 

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Marguerite Irefin