Distributive Requirements Dartmouth Should Actually Have

By PJ Bigley | 10/1/16 11:12am

Distributive requirements might be the bane of my existence. I narrowly made it out of my QDS alive. But for some reason, Dartmouth has deemed it necessary to establish some standards for what a well-rounded student might look like when they graduate. In theory, that’s great, but there are so many cool classes to take here that wasting one in order to fulfill a boring distrib can be pretty painful. So I have some alternative suggestions. In this crazy plan of mine, there would be no more academic requirements to graduate. Instead, students could take whatever classes they want but would be required to have some basic Dartmouth knowledge before commencement.

Here are a few proposed distributives that every good Dartmouth student should be able to fulfill before they graduate:

QDS: Calculate how many mozz sticks you can get at Late Night for the price of a meal swipe.

LIT: Write a paper in one night (aka learn to function when your blood is 90 percent caffeine).

SOC: Sign up for every club on campus freshman year and live vicariously through all the Listservs for four years.

SOC: Have friends and free time.

ART: Do well on a midterm you didn’t study for (trust me, it’s an art).

TMV: The Dartmouth Seven.

TAS: Fix your computer when it crashes an hour before your take-home midterm is due.

SCI: Spot a Canadian Ground Fruit.

SLA: Conduct experiments on your friend who hasn’t slept more than four hours this term.

INT: Visit your friend at another college and try to explain when our classes start. “Yeah, we have this class called a 10A. It starts at 10:10, though.”

Language Requirement: How to Speak Dartmouth
To place out you must understand and explain the following phrases: “Blitz me?” “Meet me in Blobby.” “3fb was so facetimey today.” “Are you going to tails?” “Was she your trippee?” “Foco wasn’t good today. There was no cheesy bread.” “Gross — I have to take a 9L this term.” “My flair box is out of control.” “Oh my gosh, he flitzed me!”

Swim Test: Ledyard Challenge.

PJ Bigley