“The Bachelorette" Contestants as Dartmouth Students

By Margaret Jones | 5/24/16 6:04am

The new season of ABC’s “The Bachelorette” will soonbe in full swing, with a fresh new crop of men (lone) pining for JoJo’s heart. Meanwhile, the rest of us mere mortals will becooped up in the stacks, trying to recover from a marathon of a weekend. #RIPGreenKey

Whether or notyou are an ~avid~ fan of the show, looking upthe new contestants before the season starts is an exciting activity. First, because you can’t wait to spoil the show by looking up the winner on “Reality Steve."And second, because every season, the contestants’ jobs get more and more bizarre. Yes, you will get some bankers, engineers and others with semi-normal jobs from time to time, but for the most part, the jobs sound like they were made up solely to sound ridiculous.

Afterscrolling through the Facebook picturesof the 25 contestants, I wondered what these contestants would be like if they were Dartmouth students. After all, we definitely have people with more impressive jobs than “Twin,” “Hipster” and “Erectile Dysfunction Expert.” I mean, come on. Seriously?

So without further ado, I present to you:


Class: 2016
Major: Civil Engineering and CS
Job on Campus: Research Assistant at Thayer
Favorite Date Spot: Greenhouse at LSC

Ihave to start the group off with a bang, and students like Will are more put togetherthan you or I could ever hope to be. He’ll get his B.E. in four years and will likely go on to make six figures straight out of college. You can find him studying hard in the libs or chilling outside of Thayer on a nice sunny day. What can we say? Will is a man of many talents.


Class: 2019
Major: Film
Job on Campus: BarHop DJ
Favorite Date Spot: Cash Cash Concert

Go for a guy like Wells and you'll instantly become more punk and fre$h on the scene. He knows how to turn up, and because he is a ’19 excited to get#lit, you will have fun with him no matter what (maybe).


Class: 2018
Major: DP2 Athletics
Job on Campus: Being an ~athlete~
Favorite Date Spot: Sharing a protein shake from Floren

You may not be able to spend a lot of time with Robby while he is in season, but you will always be able to spot him by the sick Nike backpack that he never takes off (and the huge collection of DP2 shirts that he may or may not let you borrow). He is definitely ripped, and will never let you forget the fact that he is not “middling.”

James T.

Class: 2019
Major: Undecided
Job on Campus: Tour Guide
Favorite Date Spot: The Green

James T. is one of those people that is so facetimey, he is pretty much everyone’s unicorn. He likes to dabble in a cappella and enjoys sunbathing on the Green. His singer-songwriter skills are unreal, so obviously he was part of the Dimensions crew, and you continue to hear about it all the time over social media and in person. Finally, you can find him pretty much anywhere giving tours and generally appearing to never do any schoolwork at all.

James S.

Class: 2020
Major: Premed / Biology
Job on Campus: High School Campus Rep
Favorite Date Spot: Foco

James S. is not even a matriculated student at Dartmouth, but that doesn’t stop him from being the College's biggest fan ever!Since age six, James has been counting down the days toattendingthe school of his dreams, and now that it is only a matter of months, he is ready to find a special someone who shares his love for Dartmouth, Moving Dartmouth Forward and the new housing system. (He just cannot wait to get some #houseswag of his own!)


Class: 2017
Major: Economics
Job on Campus: Rush chair of his fr@
Favorite Date Spot: Frat basement for pong

You should already be stoked on Derek. If his legendary pong skills (and Masters Championship to boot) aren’t enough to convince you, just take a look at his sick econ skills and both winter and summer Goldman analyst internships. Derek also hold every singleleadership position in his Greek house. Just think – y’all can hang out in his frat basement and play harbor, oron the first floor and play harbor or even in the backyard and… play harbor!


Class: 2018
Major: Studio Art with a Human Centered Design Minor
Job on Campus: Nude Model
Favorite Date Spot: Hood Museum

Daaaaammnnn, Daniel! If you’re looking for someone to show off around campus, you’ve found the guy for the job. Daniel will be thrilled to step right up and be your arm candy – as long as you continue complimenting him on his dashing looks and asking how many times he's been to the gym this week. (Every season is sculpting season, ladies.)


Class: 2016
Major: Environmental Science
Job on Campus: SWUG
Favorite Date Spot: His room

Brandon is the kind of guy that has been sick of the “going out scene” since before the freshman frat ban was lifted. He likes to chill out, watch ’80s movies and eat kale chips with that gross green juice that comes in glass bottles. Heappreciates a nice glass of MDF-approved wine from time to time, but don’t expect him to rageany time soon. He just wants to peace out of here so he can go live in a solar-powered apartment in Austin.

Margaret Jones