Shit Freshmen Say at Frat Pre-Rush Events

By PJ Bigley | 4/22/16 11:23am

Full disclosure, I have no idea what goes on at frat pre-rush events. They seem a lot different from sorority pre-rush events where there are cookies, lemonade and girls talking about rainbows and unicorns and butterflies (obviously). But you don’t actually have to be at a frat pre-rush event to know what goes on there: You can hear the internal monologues of freshmen boys from blocks away, as they whisper “Please like me, please like me, please like me” to themselves and bend over backwards to impress upperclassmen (who, by the way, would rather be doing homework than working a rush event).

Here are X things that freshmen say at frat pre-rush events (or, at least, what I wish they did):

  • ’19: So what do you guys actually do here? I mean, besides play pong and pay dues to buy beer that I can drink for free?

  • ’19: Hey, guys! How do I look? I came dressed as a brother.

  • ’19: What do you guys do at meetings?
    Brother 1: We have a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
    ’19: Ohhhh, man, sweet! I love “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell!”

  • ’19: So does this house offer a lot of opportunities for networking? What’s the average starting salary for someone who rushes here? Here’ s a copy of my resume.
    Brother: Yeah, dude, that’s great. *chucks resume in trash bin* *doesn’t recycle*

  • ’19: I thought this was a football seminar.

  • ’19: Is it true that if I touch your hand, I’m a brother here?

  • Brother 1: So do you follow politics?
    ’19: Yeah! “Make America Great Again,” am I right?

  • ’19: So what kind of rituals does this frat have?
    Brother: What do you mean?
    ’19: Like for initiation. What are we looking at? Cloaks and candles? Animal sacrifice? Burning pentagrams?
    Brother: What do you think frats do?
    ’19: I don’t know. Everything I know about frats comes from what I read in Huffington Post articles.

  • ’19: My dad was a brother here, Class of ’81. He was president and treasurer his senior year. That makes me a legacy…so I’m in, right?

  • ’19: I’ve won every game of pong I’ve ever played. You need me in this house, bro.

  • ’19: Where are the underground AD and SAE pre-rush events?

  • ’19: If I rush here will I be required to get a tattoo on any area of my body?

  • ’19: If this house doesn’t have an exotic pet I refuse to rush here.

  • ’19: So how bad is pledge term?
    Brother: That doesn’t exist anymore. *winks*

  • ’19: Dude, I don’t even know why I’m here. I don’t want to rush here.
    Brother: I’m a brother.
    ’19: Crap.

PJ Bigley