Dartmouth: Lies

By PJ Bigley | 3/8/16 2:25am

I took this article in my quest to expose the capital “T” truth about Dartmouth. As an upperclassman, I feel an obligation to tell things as they are and not as the administration or wide-eyed ’19s see them. Essentially, I’m here to drop some truth bombs and call a little bit of bullshit on some things that the more optimistic of our community members may believe. Am I bitter? A little. Cyncial? Probably. Is this uncalled for? Not at all. This is for your own good.

Here are some of the lies I’ve encountered about Dartmouth

  1. Everyone here is smart. We go to Dartmouth.

    • There are signs in every bathroom in my dorm that actually have to remind people to flush the toilet and turn off the shower. We’re clearly real geniuses around here.

  2. There’s no “drinking culture” here.

    • I stepped on 3 cans of Keystone walking out of my dorm this morning.

  3. Our mascot is not a keg.

    • Right, you want me to believe that our mascot is actually the color green or a moose.

  4. The D-Plan is the best part of the Dartmouth experience.

  1. College boys are so much more mature than high school boys.

    • See this or any fraternity basement for counter evidence

  2. Sign up for our club - you can get off the blitz list any time.

    • This is false. I’m looking at you Ledyard. No I will not write a 200 word message “explaining the metaphor that is a chocolate covered banana and how it relates to boating.” Nor do I want to be publicly shamed on the listserv. At least I know what the youths are up to.

  3. There’s so much to do in Hanover.

    • Unless you really like eating Thai food there’s nothing to do in town. Don’t try to convince me otherwise.

  4. There are no stereotypes about fraternities and sororities.

    • Please, just don’t.

  5. DDS food prices are not extortion.
  6. Hanover winters aren’t that bad.
  7. Dorms at Dartmouth are really great compared to other schools.

    • I am currently living in what I believe to be a converted closet.

  8. Dartmouth really cares about its students’ health.

    • Yes, because increasing academic rigor will allow me to get more sleep.

  9. Every freshman class is the worst class ever.

    • On second thought, maybe that’s true this year…

  10. There’s no such thing as a layup.
  11. V-February happens in February

    • Voices occurred on March 1st. WHEN WILL THE LIES END

  12. College President Phil Hanlon’s mustache is real.

    • Hear me out: Maybe President Hanlon is actually part of secret group of men who gather to impersonate the monopoly man (whose name is apparently Rich Uncle Pennybags or Milburn Pennybags…movement to change President Hanlon’s name to President Pennybags?) But, one day, in an unfortunate accident involving alcohol and an electric razor, his pride and joy got shaved off. Now he is forced to wear a fake mustache in order to keep up appearances and keep his job as a Pennybags impersonator. I’m not saying this is true- but it could be. Alternatively, …Illuminati.

PJ Bigley