Alternate Walks of Shame

By Lauren Budd, The Dartmouth Staff | 3/4/16 8:00am

The phrase “walk of shame” usually refers to returning home in the harsh morning sun after having spent the night with another individual doing things neither your mother nor College President Phil Hanlon would approve of. However, "walk of shame" has never sat well with me—in the year 2016, there’s nothing inherently shameful about an adult sleepover. In fact, there are several other walks across campus that are far worse. You should leave your hookup with your head held high and give thanks that you’re not taking one of these far more shameful “walks of shame”:

  • Turning away from the Foco register after being told you’re out of meal swipes.

  • Heading back up to your room after picking up your EBAs order. Yes, floormates, it’s all for me.

  • Leaving the dean’s office after switching your major from pre-med to English.

  • Walking out of the library after failing to find an empty seat.

  • Leaving Dick’s House after a Good Sam overnight (bonus points if you’re in flair).

  • Walking away from the KAF register after ordering chocolate milk for the third time that day in front of the hot cashier.

  • Leaving the BEMA after attempting to complete the Seven and finding another couple already there.

  • Leaving the BEMA after attempting to complete the Seven with an S&S escort.

  • Having to pass the gym front desk attendant on your way out after only having been there for 10 minutes.

  • Slinking out of a dance party after seeing your crush DFMO-ing with someone else.

  • Leaving CVS after requiring assistance at the self-checkout station.

  • Leaving Founders Day with your arms full of bright orange East Wheelock house swag.

  • Walking into office hours for the first time this term two days before your final.

  • Entering any other Greek house after going all-out for your ridiculous semi theme.

  • Leaving the Arvo J. Oopik Auditorium with your failed EARS 002 midterm crumpled in your hand, realizing your life is worse than a person with the last name “Oopik.”

  • Walking down Webster Avenue wearing a jacket that you know isn’t yours.

  • Leaving the polling station after voting for Ben Carson.

  • Leaving Topside on a Friday night with bags full of Ben & Jerry’s.

Lauren Budd, The Dartmouth Staff