28 Ways to Complete Your Phil (Hanlon) Hours

By Tarika Narain | 3/3/16 4:48am

It’s week nine and thatmeans a few things: first, longer hours in the library and at KAF; second, your New Year’s Resolution to go to the gym regularly is as dead as the Old School; third, your DBA is lower than your self-esteem while shoveling mac and cheese bites into your face hole; and last,if you’re affiliated, you’ve procrastinated doing your philanthropy hours and are at severe risk of having to pay the iron price (akahaving no evidence to support your claimthat being Greek isn’t just about having awelcoming, tightly-knit community of low-key drunks.)

But imagine if “phil hours” didn'tjust mean tabling for a fundraiser or donatingblood. Imagine if they meant being empowering, slightly corrupting and presidential.


  1. Grooming your mustache – 1 Phil hour
  2. Polishing your glasses – 1 Phil hour
  3. Going on a brisk walk with Gail – 1 Phil hour
  4. Cold-calling alumni to ask them to donate to the new housing system – 2 Phil hours
  5. Wearing South House gear in solidarity for the less fortunate – 1 Phil hour
  6. Netflix and Phil – 0.5-1 Phil hour depending on episode length
  7. Rummaging through frats’ garbage for empty handles of hard alcohol – 2 Phil hours
  8. Having brunch with the brothers of what was once Alpha Delta – 1 Phil hour
  9. Cooking overnight oats – 1 Phil hour
  10. Becoming a short-lived Yik Yak meme – 2 Phil hours
  11. Drafting campus-wide blitzes about vague policies that are immediately deleted by everyone – 1 Phil hour
  12. Teaching MATH 22 – 2 Phil hours
  13. Attending alumni reunions – 1 Phil hour
  14. Turning the PHIL department into a study of your own ideology – 3 Phil hours
  15. Phillin’ myself, I’m Phillin’ myself (with Nicki Minaj and Beyonce) – 1 Phil hour
  16. Researching hoverboards while sipping Scotch – 1 Phil hour
  17. Banning all hoverboards – 1 Phil hour
  18. Drunkenly ordering a hoverboard off Amazon – 1 Phil hour
  19. Giving speeches at boringevents – 1 Phil hour
  20. Peering out the window at the hooligans on frat row – 2 Phil hours
  21. Watching security footage of the hooligans going at it on your lawn – 2 Phil hours
  22. Considering buying a gerbil named Gerb-Phil – 1 Phil hour
  23. Being interviewed – 1 Phil hour
  24. Putting a Greek house on probation – 2 Phil hours
  25. Derecognizing a Greek house – 3 Phil hours
  26. Murdering the Old School – 4 Phil hours
  27. Imposing academic rigor – 4 Phil hours
  28. Grooming your moustache again – 1 Phil hour

Tarika Narain