GroupMe Politics

By PJ Bigley | 2/4/16 8:17am

If you aren’t a member of at least ten to fifteen GroupMe’s, you probably don’t go here. If you haven’t heard of GroupMe, then please let me know what rock you’ve been living under. I’d like to join you to escape from homework and midterms and responsibilities.

Anyway, for whatever reason, GroupMe has become an absolute necessity on this campus. It’s even a verb. Forget texts or blitz: If someone needs to spread important information, it’s coming throughGroupMe.

But for some reason, you just can’t trust college students with a heart-shaped button that allows them to like other people’s messages. Things become strangely political as people fight to get the most “hearts” on their message. Add the function that allows you to change the name and avatar for a group into the mix and you end up with nonsensical messages to groups with entertaining but irrelevant names. I guess that’s how I ended up in a GroupMe called “Daughters of Satan” plotting doomsday, a crucible reenactment and a feminist uprising. Go figure.

  • Don’t like your own messages.

  • Be careful who you add to a GroupMe. When you add someone, you become strangely responsible for what they post.

  • You will inevitably wake up one morning and ask yourself, “What is this new GroupMe I’ve been added to? I don’t remember this.” Don’t worry about it. Play along. At some point you knew who these people were/thought this was a good idea.

  • If your friend asks you to add them to the GroupMe for an activity they aren’t a part of, you can add them, but allow them only a brief period of time to glance over the messages. Then, remove them without warning. If you give them too much time with the group they may preemptively remove themselves and then be left with the power to come and go in the GroupMe as they please. We’ve all witnessed the madness that ensues when you’re forced to form a sort of vigilante task force to kick unwanted group members out. Don’t let that happen to you.

  • Changing the topic of a GroupMe should only be done ironically.

  • The mute button is a powerful thing.

  • If you remove someone from a GroupMe, it’s funny for approximately 30 seconds. After that, add the person back.

  • If you remove yourself from a GroupMe, don't ask your friend to let you see what’s been happening since you left. If you care so much, add yourself back.

  • There are a few different types of people who make appearances in GroupMe’s. Don't be these people:

    • The person who always needs 1…fp…at 10 a.m.…on a Tuesday?

    • The person nobody knows in person but who is famous on GroupMe

    • The person who tries too hard

    • The person who responds only in gifs (It’s pronounced "jiff," people.)

    • The “omg sorry for the spam, I just really need to spread the word about this super important event haha” person

    • Those people who changed their names and avatars so that they appear to be the same person. Please. Figuring out who you are is harder than this midterm I’m studying for.

  • And lastly, always remember to send GroupMe emojis. Because it’s hilarious to look down at your phone and see this:

PJ Bigley