Are You A Sociopath?

By PJ Bigley | 1/22/16 6:00am

What is sociopathy? After consulting “the literature,” I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been using the term "sociopath" all wrong. Turns out that kid who bumped into me in the stir-fry line probably isn’t a violent sociopath.

Apparently, only four percent of the world’s population can actually be classified as sociopathic. But instances of sociopathy are higher among individuals in positions of power. A Forbes article claims that four percent of CEO’s are legitimate psychopaths. Considering the number of people going through corporate recruiting on this campus, it’s probably safe to say that there are future CEO’s--and therefore sociopaths--among us. If the numbers hold, there are over 160 of them at Dartmouth.

Are you one of these sociopaths? As a tribute to Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might be a Redneck If…” standup, I bring you “You Might be a Sociopath If…” (Dartmouth Edition):

You might be a sociopath if…

  • You don't feel bad about taking the last FoCo cookie.

  • You claim to actually enjoy going to the gym.

  • You don't own a flannel.

  • You’ve never had a mozz stick at late night.

  • You get more than 6 hours of sleep regularly.

  • You enjoy the taste of Keystone.

  • You’ve never made a joke about MDF.

  • You’ve seen the “Too Many Cooks” video more than once. (I’m serious — if you’ve seen it twice or more, reevaluate your life.)

  • You like 9Ls.

  • You get disappointed when a prof doesn’t use x-hours.

  • You think pong is a game played without paddles.

  • You study in the stacks (even when things aren’t grim.)

  • Winter is your favorite term.

  • You’re a member of a normal, healthy adult relationship. (Seriously, what’s wrong with you? No one on this campus has time to date.)

  • You have asked FO&M to turn down the heat in your room.

  • You shower in the morning because you love the feeling of your hair turning into icicles.

PJ Bigley