Residential Communities: How to Squad Up
The recent announcement of the plan to form “residential communities” has raised questions for many students. Does this mean you could live in close proximity to the Russell Sage Rage Cage for all four years? What’s the deal with those “living room” structures? Is a Sorting Hat involved in the process?
Despite this uncertainty, one thing is clear — it’s time to squad up. Fast.
In just under a month, students will need to form cohorts of five peers with whom they will be placed in a house. If a squad comprised mainly of roommates, floormates and trippees sounds too boring, we’ve thought of some ideas for alternative squad formations.
“Hunger Games” squad
An ideal squad member is brave, physically and emotionally strong and able to surmount any challenge that faces them. Hosting a Hunger Games-style competition is a perfect way to find classmates with these personality traits. It may seem difficult to find a suitable arena and create a series of life-threatening tests, but your efforts will pay off. Just remember to make everyone sign a waiver.
“Keep your enemies closer” squad
You’ve probably heard the saying. By choosing a squad consisting solely of your foes, you can easily keep an eye on them. If you’re living down the hall from your nemesis, you can stop by unannounced once in a while, just to make sure they’re not plotting anything. You can thank us later, after you’ve made it through the year unscathed.
“Room Raiders” squad
In the MTV reality show “Room Raiders,” a contestant judges a prospective date based solely on the objects in their bedroom. Most people at Dartmouth leave their doors unlocked, so this strategy is easy and fun. Simply wander into a room of your choice and look around—does the occupant make their bed? What kinds of posters are on the walls? Is the trashcan filled with Keystone? If you like what you see, congratulations! You’ve just found a new squad member.
“Boy Band” squad
Five people is the perfect size for a successful boy band, as evidenced by the group sizes of One Direction, *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys and Boyz II Men. This can’t be a coincidence! Pick squad members with amazing hair and disarming smiles, learn how to use Auto-Tune and voilà—you are now the manager of your very own boy band. You’ll be Instagram-famous in no time.
“Awk rando” squad
This is the hard mode of the squad-picking strategies, as it requires that you assemble a squad of total strangers. How can you accomplish this Herculean feat? You could stand on a table in FoCo, post on Yik Yak or blitz out to Campus Events. Whoever responds will automatically be added to your squad. This plan is completely foolproof.
Find classmates that bear striking similarities to characters in the sitcom “Friends” and add them to your squad. Over the next few years, you’ll laugh, cry, fight and form long-lasting friendships, all while accumulating a dedicated fan base. Just pretend you’re living in a Manhattan loft instead of a Mass Row triple, and play a laugh track every time you tell a joke.
“Lone wolf” anti-squad
Is your favorite song “Love Myself” by Hailee Steinfeld? Do you study in those stalls with the closed doors in the Stacks? Are you hoping to get a single? If so, you may want to consider ditching the squad idea entirely and flying solo. Go against the establishment! Everyone will be jealous, if a bit intimidated, by your independence.