Frat Animal Dating Profiles

By Tarika Narain | 11/4/15 10:12am

We can sense their presence from miles away. We lose our minds when we see them sunbathing on the green or curled up in the corner at a frat. We friend them on Facebook, add them on Instagram and connect with them on LinkedIn. They’re the real campus cuties (sorry Collis Steve).

Frat animals hold so much power over us. They can make us forget that we’re next on line for pong, that we have a midterm looming over our heads or that we accidentally sent an aggressive drunk text to our crush.

And like us, each frat animal has its own personality: some are friendly, some are shy and some are angstier than an upperclassman woman at the Heorot highlighter party. To help you find your ~perfect match~, we conducted some research to create their dating profiles.
If you like what you see, shoot ‘em a flitz: “Belly scratch and chill?”

Buddy McKenzie XXI (Labrador Retriever)
“All the ladies love me.”
House: Phi Delta Alpha
Likes: Going on walks, being facetimey and the musical works of Tracy Chapman.
Dislikes: When my owner says the word “walk” but he playin’, when I keep accidentally eating this stuff that looks like dried up boot on Webster Avenue and then throw up immediately.
Hobbies: Gnawing on tree stumps, playing with Winston (see below), wooing girls
Looking For: Someone to accompany me to Tracy Chapman’s concert in the Vancouver area this coming May.

Winston McKenzie (Pot-bellied Pig)
“I smell better than a lot of Phi Delts.”
House: Phi Delta Alpha
Likes: Cucumbers, celery, acorns, grass, peanut butter, sleeping bags.
Dislikes: Broccoli, being picked up by randos, uncalled-for jokes about pork or bacon, being woken up past my bedtime, being called fat.
Hobbies: Having my belly rubbed, cuddling, “rooting” (pushing dirt, rocks or blankets around with my nose).
Looking For: Someone who will protest Pigstick with me this spring.

Ollie (Golden Retriever)
“Purebred and I know it.”
House: Sigma Alpha Epsilon
Likes: Being playful AF, attention, women, America.
Dislikes: Sink baths ☹
Hobbies: Tripping over myself, posing with girls for their Instagram photos, doing hoodrat stuff with Cooper.
Looking For: Someone to dance with at my bark mitzvah.

Cooper (Labrador Retriever)
“Washed up and loving it.”
House: Sigma Alpha Epsilon
Likes: My bros, sports, the front lawn.
Dislikes: The fact that my big bro Baxter is gone (woof), when Ollie pisses me off.
Hobbies: Athletic things, doing hoodrat stuff with Ollie (sometimes), taking time alone to reflect, being smarter than Ollie.
Looking For: A trophy SWUG.

Zeus (Border Collie)
“I’m a wallflower. I see things, and I understand.”
House: Tri Kap
Likes: My squeaky bone, looking intense all the time.
Dislikes: The fact that I’m temporarily homeless.
Hobbies: Frisbee, playing fetch, learning tricks (I know how to shake hands, stand on my hind legs, play dead, close the fridge and cross my paws over each other because I’m fancy as hell).
Looking For: Someone to toss around both ideas and balls with. We’ll have to go back to your room, though.

Thanks to Brett Szalapski, Chris Frangieh, Julian McIntyre and Justin Carrier for their help interviewing the animals for this article.

Tarika Narain