What Your KAF Order Says About You

By Hayley Hoverter | 10/15/15 4:19am

Despite KAF’s lines (which are out of control this term) students love having their own personal café in the hub of campus. Ever wanted to know what your typical order says about you? Here are some heinously exaggerated, stereotypical personas that I made up to help you better understand yourself. You’re welcome.
You are so college, check you out. You’re on your way to office hours and need to make sure that you look as studious as possible. You are a classics major and won’t let anyone forget it. Straightforward and no-nonsense — you can order a cappuccino wherever you go. You’re a creature of habit and don’t like surprises.

Iced Macchiato
You got three hours of sleep last night and are trying your best. None of the KAF employees know what you’re talking about. You repeat your order twice, just in case. A KAF employee informs you that, by definition, “macchiato” means hot drink. You just got schooled and you don’t know how to respond, so you apologize and say, “It’s been a long week.“ You check your phone moments after leaving KAF and find out that it’s only Tuesday. The next day, during your midterm, you have a brain blast and remember that you confused macchiato with mocha. This has never happened to me.

Orange Mocha Frappuccino
You’ve been day-drinking again and just watched “Zoolander.” This is all of us.

A chocolate chip cookie
Your study group or date (or both?) is late and you don’t want to look like an idiot sitting alone on the couch while you pretend to check your email (again). So you order the most basic thing on the menu. Once you finish your cookie, you’re going to take a BuzzFeed quiz and get up to get a cup of water to kill some time. After you finish your water, you realize they’re not coming so you order another cookie. You’re indecisive and KAF isn’t really your thing. You’re also settling and you deserve better things in your life. Chin up.

Granola and yogurt
You’re about to eat this in class.

You remembered how much Novack coffee you drank last night and your body needs to go on a detox ASAP.

A cupcake
Happy birthday? Or are you babysitting? Do you have a ton of extra DBA this term? Are you fancy as hell? Are you treating yo’ self??! You’re probably whatever the human equivalent is of Beyoncé in her 7/11 video. You don’t take yourself too seriously. You’re cool and people love you. Fortune favors the bold — if you have the guts to order a cupcake, you deserve to enjoy it.

You most likely hate yourself. You watch a lot of Woody Allen films and appreciate some good irony. Much to everyone’s dismay, you say, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead!” a lot. If you add flavors to your espresso shots, you’ve probably been working on level 2 stacks, not the Annex. Either way, you’re hazelnuts to us (sorry). You’re also taking four classes just to earn some brownie points (you’re still trying to figure out from whom).

You’ve got a hankering for something sweet and are too classy to settle for some CVS marshmallows. KAF marshmallows are amazing, and so are you if you ordered this. You have impeccably good taste and are probably a good person. If you’ve bought marshmallows from KAF to send to your family, you’re too pure for this harsh, cold world. You are also probably wearing Christmas socks and write hand-written thank you notes.

Large coffee
You just came from the stacks. And you’re going right back after this, without putting any condiments in your coffee. You’re the first to complain about how long the line is at KAF and will probably quickly head to Nov-whack. You like jazz and have been live-tweeting the presidential debates.

If your eyes glaze over when you look at the sumptuous baked goods you have more self restraint than all of us put together. You watch scary movies alone because you “can handle it” and probably never asked your parents for a Tamagotchi as a kid. If you have a favorite salad, you have probably worked for the UN at some point and have law school aspirations. Or maybe you just read the calorie count on a sandwich once and had a heart attack. Either way, I instinctively don’t trust you.

You’re fun-loving, hilarious and appreciate the simple things in life. You’re not going to waste your time mulling over which cheese-filled croissant to get. Everything is just a wannabe sandwich to you. So you go for the original. You’re going to enjoy your dairy, meat and KAF bread. You know what you like and you go out and make it happen.

You are refined and attractive. You care about aesthetics and are probably going to be eating this on the steps of Sanborn or in the grassy area in front of Baker. You’re facetimey and love to be surrounded by people. You know your worth and people love you for that.

Magic Bars
You leveled up! You unlocked the most important food item at KAF — the magic bar. Also called miracle bars, the name don’t lie. The perfect combination of coconut and chocolate, you’re super creative and are willing to try new things. You’re an amazing friend and are super comfortable in your own skin. You’re an acquired taste, but all the best things are.

Watermelon Mint Iced Tea/Chai Tea/Matcha
Your professor just gave back your paper and you need something sweet — and fast, because you literally can’t right now.

Any other hot tea
You’re probably sick or you’re enjoying a stroll around campus, taking in the fresh New Hampshire air. Either way, you’re taking it easy this week. You like to go with the flow and don’t need insane amounts of caffeine because you have your life together. We’re only a little jealous.

London Fog
You’ve studied abroad in a European country and are probably on a date right now because who wouldn’t want to date you? Your coat costs more than our house. We’ve never heard of your favorite band/playwright/painter. Your parents do something super intellectual and cool and you love talking about it. People bask in your accomplished Ivy League student demeanor but can’t really figure you out. Somehow, we can’t figure out why we never made it to the second date.

Hayley Hoverter