Campus Blotter: Future Edition

By Stacy Livingston, The Dartmouth Staff | 10/8/15 4:02am

It’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times: Homecoming.

A stampede of freshmen will race around the bonfire. Some will try to do all 119 laps. Many will fail.

A stampede of alumni will race back to their Greek houses and try to monopolize table for 119 games. Many will fail.

But what else will happen this weekend? Dartbeat decided we’d tell you — Blotter-style.
Oct. 8, 11:49 p.m., Webster Avenue: Safety and Security officers will respond to a Good Sam call for a female member of the Class of 2017, who will be intoxicated and willrun away from her friends on Webster Avenue. Though her friends will beannoyed and mostly just want to turn up, they will stay just long enough for S&S to find her in the Fahey-McLane courtyard.

Oct. 9, 12:25 a.m., Sigma Phi Epsilon Fraternity: S&S will respond to Sig Ep, where a female undergraduate fellfrom a table during their Pop Punk party. The student, identified as a member of the Class of 2019, will betaken to Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center for treatment of what appears to be a broken wrist, but will complain that her parents just won’t “understand.”

Oct. 9, 1:26 a.m., Collis Student Center: S&S will respond to Collis after a call from an employee stating that a male member of the Class of 2019 has been staggering around late night and, when asked how many mozzarella sticks he wanted, responded, “Just mess me up.” The officers will apprehend the student vomiting into the bushes behind the back door of Collis. He will befound to be intoxicated and to have consumed 11 mozzarella sticks. The student will be turned over to a sober friend, who deeply understands the student’s penchant for copious amounts of drunk cheese.

Oct. 10, 9:36 p.m., Russell Sage Residence Hall: S&S will respond to the basement of Russell Sage after a complaint that a party in the “Rage Cage” had gotten out of control. When officers arrive at the scene, ’19s willstill be seen grinding to the sounds of Fetty Wap, andcondensation will be rolling down the dank, ship-barrelly walls.

Oct. 10, 2:15 p.m., Alumni Stadium: S&S and Dartmouth Emergency Medical Services will respond to the football field after a female member of the Class of 2019 fallsfrom the bleachers in an attempt to rush the field. Fellow classmates will have beenunable to stop and help her, due to their steadfast conviction that doing so would lead them to get “in trouble.”

Oct. 10, 1:15 a.m., 9 East Wheelock St: Hanover Police will respond to the former premises of the Alpha Delta fraternity after reports of a verbal altercation between four alumni and two current students. The intoxicated alumni had requested entry to the premises and beendenied, resulting in a fight. The alumni will betaken into protective custody, and surreptitious party-goers will beseen streaming from the house’s back doors.

Oct. 10, 2:45 a.m., Alpha Xi Delta Sorority: A patrolling S&S officer will encounter two intoxicated female members of the Class of 2014 attempting to climb in through a window of AZD. The individuals will explain that they are supposed to be staying in the house with a current student, but had been unable to reach her or find anyone to let them in. One of the women will then launch into a tirade about how the campus’ new initiatives are “cheapening” her degree, which will escalate into a shouting match. The former student will be turned over to the Hanover Police Department.

Oct. 10, 3:13 a.m., Phi Delta Alpha Fraternity: S&S will respond to Phi Delt after a brother finally leavesthe basement and findsa male member of the Class of 2018 passed out on the toilet in their upstairs bathroom. The student will betaken to Dick’s House and admitted overnight.

Oct. 11, 12:16 a.m., Hanover Country Club: S&S will respondto the golf course after receiving a call from a concerned Hanover resident stating that there issomeone wandering in the area. The individual, a male member of the Class of 2010, will befound on the golf course and explains that he had been separated from his friends after engaging in marijuana use. No one will havethe heart to inform him that he’s been separated from his college career for over five years.

Stacy Livingston, The Dartmouth Staff