Q&A: Collis Steve After Dark

By Tarika Narain | 10/20/15 7:51am

We all know who Collis Steve is, and if you don’t, a) you’re lying b) you’re a liar or c) you sit on a throne of lies.

Picture this: as you reach for your meal, you lock eyes with the doppelganger of Peeta Mellark from “The Hunger Games” (2012). But Peeta didn’t do anything except lie around most of the time, and Collis Steve has just whipped up a dope stir-fry custom-made for you, so he definitely wins. You wonder whether the weird feeling in your stomach is post-12s hanger or a…deeper yearning. You pretend it’s the former and leave politely.
Collis Steve was once Steven Moretti, a kind of random dude from the town of Lebanon who was really into golfing. Then, about three and a half years ago, he entered the cocoon that is the Dartmouth Bubble, donned a white apron and emerged as Collis Steve, campus-wide heartthrob who is still really into golfing.

But what is it about him that makes us swoon? Is it his dashing looks? Or is it some kind of classical conditioning thing, where he’s trained us to drool at his face instead of the food in his hands? (I’m a psych major, can you tell?)

To find out, I sat down face-to-handsome-face with him — sans apron — after he got off work. The result: exciting insights into the rich mosaic that is Collis Steve. Proceed with caution.

On his metamorphosis from Regular Steve to “Collis Steve”:

“The first couple years [here], I was nothing really special. And then one day, this girl came up to me and was like, ‘You’re being talked about all over online’ and on this YikYak thing. There’s like a poem about me... And she had a girl in her sorority that was rushing [to] interview me five days in a row to get my whole life story. So that’s kind of when I realized I was “Collis Steve.’”

On working in Collis:

“The best part is the interaction with everyone — the students and everyone in the back. You guys are really fun to be around ‘cause everyone’s my age, so. The worst part, I would say, is probably the handful of people who…can be quite rude and ungracious.”

On his funniest moments on the job:

“A few girls came in and made me dance with them in the middle of work…because they were doing a video or something. My face was probably red as can be, but it’s whatever. They never showed me the video, either. It was super random.”

On the weirdest Dartmouth student food habits:

“The weirdest egg order was this kid got eight eggs over easy every day to go with his stir-fry. Which is disgusting, ‘cause the kid’s like 140 pounds. The weirdest stir-fry is this kid used to come in and get beef, chicken and tofu with every kind of sauce and both rices, which was brutal.”

On the Collis Steve Stir-Fry of Choice™:

“I get chicken with teriyaki, orange and the sweet, smoky spice with white rice. Everybody thinks brown rice is healthier here, but it’s not at all. Everyone flips out when we run out of brown rice, but it’s kind of the same thing.”

On the Collis Steve Meal and Drink of Choice™:

“My ideal meal would be chicken cacciatore. I have a crockpot… Drink of choice: I prefer Tanqueray and tonic, but I’m also mostly a beer drinker. I hate anything involving peanut butter and chocolate together, like Reese’s, and I don’t drink coffee.”

On music preferences:

“Rap, hip-hop and I’m into EDM, like Major Lazer, Bassnectar. I went to a Bassnectar/Pretty Lights concert in Georgia… It was pretty ridiculous.”

On puppies!!!!!!!:

“Me and my roommate…got a German Shepherd-Beagle puppy… His name is Jackson and he’s awesome.”

On what makes Collis Steve tick:

“When somebody never ever ever can decide on something. Like if you ask somebody, “What do you want to do today?” and they’re like, “I don’t care.” And then when you make the decision, then they care, all of a sudden.”

On the time he was once asked to formal but sadly declined:

“It was actually terrible timing, otherwise I would’ve gone. I had a girlfriend for the longest time, and then we broke up. She goes to school in Florida, and she came back for that weekend, so I had to hang out with her…for her last night here.”

On potential future formal asks:

“Oh, hell yeah, [I’d say yes.]”

On what he looks for in a significant other (asking for a friend):

“Confidence is pretty key. I like when a girl isn’t afraid to say hi to me first, or isn’t afraid that people know she wants to talk to me… I can’t really make much of a move from the back of the line, when there’s like 70 people watching. I don’t want anyone to be embarrassed.”

On his ideal first date:

“Going to get dinner where there’s a live band. Maybe if the ice was broken, we could get up and dance or something. Or…go golfing, but that’s not really a date.”

On the eternal spaghetti arms or spaghetti legs debate:

“Spaghetti legs, because you could find a way to move around a little bit. I wouldn’t want to have the inability to grab anything. Who the hell came up with this question?”

And most importantly, on being bed, bath or beyond:

“I would say bed. Because you can’t really go wrong with being in bed. And if you’re in bed with someone, it’s obviously that much better.”

This interview has been edited and condensed.

Tarika Narain