Matching Autumnal Goodies To Your Dorm

By Parker Richards, The Dartmouth Staff | 10/26/15 9:17am

It’s hard to move. No, seriously. As the weather gets colder and the leaves grow increasingly dead, it becomes a challenge to compel yourself to undertake the trek to Collis or the Hop. You’ll need to stock up on autumnal snacks to keep yourself warm and cozy indoors, but what sorts of food and drink are right for each dorm?
Mass Row (excluding South Mass): Apple pie

Much like Mass Row, apple pie is a classic. It’s patriotic —as are the good people of Massachusetts —and full of flavor. It’s the quintessential New England dish, and it’s hard to beat that flakey crust and soft, delectable apple taste.

McLaughlin, Fahey-McLane and Hitchcock: Aesthetically pleasing pre-made apple pie from an overseas factory

The new dorms on campus look great. They cost millions to build and they look like hotels, but —much like Iggy Azalea —they’ll soon find that trying to become “the new classic” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Those store-bought apple pies you get at your local Absolutely Humongous Mart may look nice, they may glisten and shine with the light of chemicals and sprayed-on color, but they don’t actually taste good. It’s the same with new dorms: pretty on the outside, but utterly devoid of character.

Gile: Orange wine (or amber wine, if you’re a pretentious little turd)

The new trendy drink of the year (at least, according to Town & Country and Vogue magazines), orange wine is a special sort of wine derived from a variety of processes that originated in the Caucasus Mountains. It’s the new thing, and it’s — evidently —really expensive. Go nuts, you crazy kids!

New Hamp: Apple cider doughnuts

It’s a short walk from Lou’s to New Hamp, so it isn’t too hard to get these icons of heaven, these pieces of wondrous, illustrious joy. Apple cider doughnuts are never a bad idea, which is saying a lot because —like all doughnuts — they’re absolutely awful for you. BUT THEY TASTE LIKE APPLE CIDER AND IT IS AMAZING AND I WANT THEM RIGHT NOW. I LOVE FALL AND THAT IS ALL.

The River: Fireball

Is this — strictly speaking — a fall beverage? Well, it tastes like cinnamon, so sure. It’s old, possibly kills you, needs to be recalled and is full of alcohol, just like the River. So if you’re sad about your inability to go anywhere but the Vermont FSP as the biting winds of autumn roll down from the mountains, drink some Fireball and forget that you’re sad! Trust me, I have no medical training whatsoever.

Greek housing: #PSL

Pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice pies, pumpkin spice water, pumpkin spice beer, pumpkin spice Halloween, pumpkin spice pumpkin, pumpkin spice zinc and pumpkin spice frackets. You might be just a tad basic, but it’s okay, because you’re guzzling pumpkin spice like nobody’s business.

Choates: Sadness

You’re stuck, you have no autumn goodies and — as a result — you’re sad. Sorry. #BYE

Parker Richards, The Dartmouth Staff