Alternative Semi Themes: MTV Edition

By Grace Miller, The Dartmouth Staff | 10/22/15 9:56am

We all know that the “M” in MTV has not stood for music since 1985 in a very long time, and let’s be honest, “semi” has not stood for “semi” formal since before Phil had just a spot of peach fuzz on his upper lip. Now semi mostly consists of diving into a flair trunk and hoping you can bullshit whatever you’re wearing into the theme. “Oh, yeah, the ‘romance through the ages' theme, see I’m dressed as pizza because you took a pizza my heart.” Coming up with semi ideas is not easy though, and for all of those struggling socials out there, I’m here to help: old MTV shows. We all know nostalgia sells (pop punk), even if the things we are nostalgic about happened only five years ago.
Room Raiders theme:

Room raiders was an MTV dating show where three people would be kidnapped, put in a car and forced to watch as a “potential date” (sometimes Zac Efron) went through their room and JUDGED EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. Then, based on their room the suitor would chose someone to go on a date with.

How this plays out: Everyone at semi moves from one person’s dorm room to the next, digging through 10 feet of dirty laundry, old bowls of cereal, tissues from that time you got the freshman plague and inevitably, a sex toy. Everyone gets so grossed out by everyone else that semi falls apart and everyone goes home alone and cleans their room (Moms cheer everywhere).

Next theme:

Next was an MTV dating show where a bus full of terrible people (MTV had a weird thing about storing people in cars) would go out one by one with a “potential date.” They earned a dollar for every minute they spent on the date, and if they got asked on another date they could take the money or go on another date. Ya know, like prostitution, but not actual prostitution.

How this plays out: Three suitors get to date the party. Each guest walks in to the house holding a sign of two interesting facts about themselves, and one terrible thing no one should ever say. The suitors either say “next” and pay them for their time, or ask them to stay. Every social fund is bankrupt paying and the house shuts down.

16 and Pregnant theme:

You know this show don’t pretend.

How this plays out: It’s incredibly sexy at the start, then everyone gets a baby. It’s the worst party ever.

Catfish theme:

The show that taught you not to trust the internet.

How this plays out: You get set up on a blind date to semi. He’s tall, good-looking and is working at Google this summer! You show up and it’s……… Steve Buschemi.

Date My Mom theme:

This MTV show had probably the most descriptive title of theme all: the potential suitor dates three girls’ moms, then decides based on those dates who they want to go out with. Basically the suitor listens to moms try to pimp out their child while simultaneously trying to figure out whose daughter is the hottest.

How this plays out: Semi is on parent’s weekend. You show up to pick up your date, and it’s her mom. You take her to semi, but what’s a “date”? You do a quick six to feel comfortable, you date’s mom looks horrified. You ask her to dance, she puts out her hand, you grab her ass **romance,** you go in for the DFMO and she slaps you. You boot on her shoes. Your date’s mom leaves, your date refuses to return your calls and no one ever speaks of this again.

My Super Sweet 16 theme:

This is the show that brought back your middle school PTSD. A 16-year-old richer than you’ll ever be complains for an hour straight while having the best day of their lives.

How this plays out: Hand out invites to semi in the most public place, let’s say FFB, while sitting on a horse. Blow the social budget on Kanye West (never forget your roots Kanye). No alcohol to increase the discomfort. One girl goes around screaming that her life is ruined.

Laguna Beach theme:

Laguna Beach centered around the lives of senior’s in high school in Laguna beach. Because that is just what rich high schoolers’ egos need.

How this plays out: Everyone dyes their hair blonde, puts on tons of makeup, gets pretty drunk and causes tons of drama. So, kind of like semi, but without the costumes.

Have fun this semi season!

Grace Miller, The Dartmouth Staff