Texts From Last Night: Green Key Edition

By Grace Miller, The Dartmouth Staff | 5/18/15 9:57am

But most importantly, you documented it all. You woke up each morning with a headache and a 100-second long Snapchat story. Brilliant minds have devoted their lives to advancing technology so that you can flop your hands on the keyboard and text your crush at 3 am: “wanna make out?” And thank goodness for that, because your embarrassing texts are everyone else’s entertainment. Here are some of your peers’ “texts from last night.”

(617): Never going out again. Currently laying on the ground trying not to die.

(603): I think my hermit crab died last night, that’s why he wasn’t moving
(756): woof
(603): haha meow?
(756): oh woof is like something bad and kind of awkward

(603): Yesterday/today I hooked up with a tuckie who is older than my brother which is A) ew B) meh C) lol

(413): you ranted to my sister while she nodded and smiled
(508): what did I rant about? Ugh I hate being blackout I wake up in fear of myself
(413): mostly about poop
(508): gr8 gr8

(239): If green key is a marathon, I tripped and fell over running around the first corner

(510): I sober love you
(510): hows your green key
(510): I had almost an entire bottle of wine
(510): hbu

(646- a rower): what's green key?

(603): I’d be a good mother in Ancient Greece

(510): I threw up in my hand in a library last night wtf.
(508): dear lord I spilled so much wine on that bed
(510): WHO ARE WE

(207): also i want the moon to be made of cheese so i can eat the whole thing and f--k up the world’s tidal patterns

(603): Like I was just on buzzfeed and was like I need all of 2005 in my life

(626): Green Key is so intense... Every bathroom I went in last night, there was at least one crying girl. I also saw some crying boys.

(847): Being short at a concert is tough... I was just in a sea of body odor and couldn't see anything.

(617): Also, why are people dressed like they're at Ultra?

(858): I’m on orgy status let me know cuz you my girl

(312): This is going to be the adventures of nerd with backpack goes to block party

(312): save us we're watching ghost adventures

(908): I'm in the elitist section on the far right

(978): just made her put a chair in the shower for me. and bring me ginger ale.

(610): Do you want to take shots of vodka w me?
(210): Does the pope take his communion?

(610): I just made out with my roommate
(202): why?
(610): Tpain was singing a Lorde song
(202): but why did u make out with your roommate
(610): bc Tpain was singing
(202): wait are you hooking up w him now
(610): no he was on stage singing a lorde song

Grace Miller, The Dartmouth Staff