What We Want To Use GoFundMe For

By Margarette Nelson, The Dartmouth Staff | 11/12/14 3:00am

From ShaveBennettto Braden Pellowski ’18’sattempt to finance his legal fees from touching the Homecoming bonfire, GoFundMe campaigns have been popping up all over campus. It got me to thinking —what will people try to crowdsource next?

Greenprint You would think that for $60,000 a year we would have access to a functional printing system. Chaos ensued earlier this term when there was asystem-wide meltdown, and I personally had had it when my own account was disabled. I didn’t even know that was a thing… why would the system target students and disband their accounts?

Resurface the area between FoCo and Robo — It would appear that the construction between Robo and FoCo is coming to a close. (For now. Anyone around during 13X will remember a suspiciously similar and equally disruptive project in the EXACT SAME LOCATION). This time, however, I think they made a mistake on the tiling. With some new funds, maybe they’ll be able to get that walkway straight.

Parking fines Whether it’s on campus or in Hanover, these fines can add up. Citations from the College will subsequently get more expensive (all the prohibited parking zones are just a blocker on our mobility out of Hanover), and the town multiplies the fine the longer you hold out on paying it off. Wait long enough, and that $10 ticket you forgot about turns into a monstrosity.

Greek system — keep or abolish? Perhaps the College’s biggest motivation for preserving the Greek System is the desire not to alienate wealthy affiliated alumni. Maybe they should put this to the test by making two separate GoFundMes and see which one raises the most money. Because the more money you have, the more your opinion counts, right?

A real winter jacket Somehow I’ve made it through college with only the jacket pictured below. Puffy, yes. Hood and below-the-hipcoverage, no. Maybe I can raise $800 and upgrade to the ubiquitous Canada Goose.

Return of the party packs Yes, $30,000 was a bit much to spend every year on bread and water, but every freshman should have the opportunity to gain the freshman 15 the same way I did.

Diversions If you can somehow convince the public that this one was not your fault, you can crowdsource the financing of your wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time behavior (or poor choices, depends on how you look at it). Maybe if we had party packs there would be fewer Diversions instances.

Kickstarter for a valet service —Entrepreneurial ’17s and ’18s, listen up! Next time someone wants to start a full-size rental bed company, they should rethink their plan and start a valet service from A-Lot instead. My twice weekly mile-and-a-half round trip journeys to A-Lot have given me plenty of time to contemplate how the College maroons innocent bystanders in this tundric hell by placing the student parking lot so far away that only the few privileged enough to have readily accessible parking spots can escape.

Drones Civilian drones are on the rise. Both TheWall Street Journaland Iare on it. Just don’t fly them over an NFL stadium.

Margarette Nelson, The Dartmouth Staff