Questions We’d Rather See Answered in Your Final Paper

By Stacy Livingston | 11/12/14 4:00am

Whatever you’re writing about this finals season — whether it’s “the symbolism of the monster as a hyper-feminized figure existing in opposition of the contemporary masculine ideal,” the neural correlates of nose picking or any other dry, academic topic —set it aside. Write about these instead:

- Those conspiracy theories about Disney and Pixar movies: all of them are interconnected and the characters from the next movie make cameos in the previous one (and the Pizza Planet truck is in every movie).


-The golden ratio of liquor to mixer. Science.

- Can you really fall in love with a computer, a la “Her” (2013)? Neuroscience majors, this one is for you. Neuro and computer science? Perfect.

- Anything related to corkscrew duck junk.

- Critical mass for a viral video. I want the numbers on how this happens.

- How fuzzy does a caterpillar have to be in order for it to be “cute” and not horrifying?

- The realistic timeline of domesticating foxes. When can I expect that to happen for me?

- Some sort of map of Baker-Berry by grimness level. Preferably with dark colors representing the areas where stress-crying is prevalent and the Tower Room marked with a little skull and crossbones.

- How many diseases did I just catch from the pong ball?

- Koala chlamydia.

- How much global productivity (in USD) was lost when all seven seasons of “Gilmore Girls” went online?


- A demographic pie chart confirming that all Yik Yak users are ’18 males.

- What is a “bae”?

- How to engage that one trippee who is really just not having Trips.

- And, possibly most importantly, the effects of resting bitch face on obtaining gainful employment.

Stacy Livingston