Bizarre Gendered Products

By Luke McCann, The Dartmouth Staff | 11/17/14 3:00am

There are few things in this mortal life that I have ever been undoubtedly certain about, but if there’s one thing I know to be true without a shadow of a doubt it’s that 2014 is a wild time to be alive. When I asked the woman who lives in the alley behind CVS for astrological advice, as I often do, she told me it was because Mars ended retrograde and the moons of Jupiter exist. Not only are there women in several of my university classes, but many of them are also unmarried and interested in pursuing careers of their own after graduation. That I can handle. But now I hear talk that men are starting to cook their own dinners and no longer fight to the death before a roaring crowd to prove their masculinity. While the definitions of gender roles may be in a state of flux, we’re lucky that several companies have made it their mission to remind us that some things like chapstick and snack food are anything but a spectrum.

The Bronut:

“Hey bro, can I lick a little of that icing of your bronut real quick?”

BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen:

Finally an answer for all those women who find the usual, manly pens too large and intimidating for their tiny frail hands. Fret no more ladies, you can now comfortably retire to your study to write in your diaries or scribe your newest cookbook or whatever it is that you women would write about if you could only firmly grasp a pen.


As if the Bronut wasn’t enough, there’s more.

“C’mon bro, you just splashed your brogurt right in my eye!”

“Hey bro, you ever tasted your own brogurt?”

Kleenex for Men:

“Dude, are you crying?”

“Bro, you know “The Notebook” gets me every time.”

Yankee Candles for Men:

“Yo dude, this bachelor pad smells fresh, what you got in here?”

“Oh, that? It’s just a little ‘man town.’”

“Dude, that’s fresh.”

Man Scissors:

Don’t you hate when your big, meaty man hands can’t fit in regular feminine scissors because they’re big and manly and on a man? Thank god for man scissors.

Lady Hammer Pink:

STOP! Lady hammer pink time! *shuffles across floor and away from this product*

Chapstick for Men:

“Son, I know you’re entering puberty and your body is changing a lot. Do you have any questions about what’s going on?”

“Dad, how do I keep my lips moist and luscious without losing my manly core?”

“Son, I think you’re ready.”

Goldfish Snack Crackers:

“It’s so bright out, the sun is really hurting my eyes.”

“Sally, you know women can’t wear sunglasses. It’s simple biology.”

German Children’s Food:

I don’t even know what this says, and I can still tell it’s ridiculous.

Luke McCann, The Dartmouth Staff