How to Look Fit: A Guide for NARPs
Dartmouth is an extremely fit place as far as college campuses go. Nearly a quarter of undergraduate students are varsity athletes and three-quarters of undergrads participate in a form of athletics, including club and intramural sports. There is also, however, an extremely large NARP (non-athletic regular person) contingency on this campus, although you may not have guessed it. If you’re a member of this exclusive grouping, chances are you already have some tactics for hiding it or you’ve fully embraced your NARP status. But if you’ve found yourself lost, searching for answers in a sea of rowers and football players, we would like to help.
1. Always go to the gym at the most popular times of the day.
Honestly, I don’t know what these times are, but find out and be there! It really doesn’t matter much what you do at the gym, but soon people will start coming up to you and saying things like, “Do you spend all your time here?” The facetime is crucial. Maximize it by taking one of the first machines on the main floor.
2. Regardless of your activity level for the day, wear athletic clothes.
Sure, you may just be lying in bed watching Netflix, only exerting yourself to walk to the library where you’ll be sitting all day, but it’s all about appearance. Dress the part and your peers will be none the wiser. Bonus points if you get comments like “You look so sporty!” and are able to shame others who complain that they haven’t gone to the gym in days.
3. Have an outrageous pump up playlist.
We all know that only the fittest of the fit have killer workout playlists. Channel the swoll while putting this together and you’ll fool everyone.
4. Eat a ton.
Seriously! With your athletic clothes on people will assume you had an insane workout. Talk it up if anyone second-guesses you, interspersing mentions of “sets” and “reps” as often as possible.
5. Wear your headphones around your neck.
This works with both earbuds and full headphones and will give your ensemble the finishing touch of “Yeah, I lift” vibes. You can even go all out and get one of those armband holders for your iPhone.
6. Have a FitBit and/or other popular workout device or app.
All the people I know who own FitBits are already excruciatingly more fit than I am, so by sporting one everyone will think you must be really invested in working out. Feel free to also download any workout monitoring apps and the like on your phone. This is another fake it 'til you make it (or not…#NARP4LYFE) tactic.
7. Be sweaty and flustered.
It makes it seem like you really nailed your workout and now you’re on some insane adrenaline high, or whatever happens when you exercise that hard…The sweat is physical evidence of your exertion while being flustered puts the nail in the coffin. No one will even question your workout after that. Exert minimal effort by merely stepping outside and you’ll be sweaty in seconds!