Stuff Dartmouth Kids Like: $100 Million
Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that the College recently got the largest single donation in its entire history – $100 million. It was an anonymous gift, which for me conjures up images of a masked ninja swooping in through a window with a giant check or pot o’ gold and swooping back out so no identities are revealed.
Besides the “Who is this moneybags?” question, there is a lot more I am wondering about this donation. Where will the money go? Could the timing of this vote of confidence have been better, at a time when Dartmouth is quickly becoming a national joke? Who has that much money anyway? I’m talking about have-your-own-fleet-of-jets money, throw-as-much-shade-as-you-want-and-nobody-can-say-anything-about-it money. If I had that much money, my toilets would for sure be made of gold. I could build my own college with that much money.
But I digress. Here’s what we know – half of the money will be going to build out the academic experience at Dartmouth, and there is a matching program through the end of 2015 that will double the donation. I have more than a few suggestions for where else the money could go.
Febreze the Green
I’m all for sustainability and using natural fertilizer (although there is absolutely no way that blue powder they use to cover the Green is natural), but you know you’ve gone astray when the entire school smells like horse manure for two weeks after the snow melts. Let’s spring for some air freshener or invest in some kind of fertilizer that won’t make campus smell like a zoo.
Build some warmcuts
Winters here aren’t that bad, even though we complain literally all the time. ’17s, you’ll see – this year was an aberration, and it hasn’t been that bad since my freshman winter. Regardless, going out in the winter sucks (unless you live in the Choates). Going out after the winter when it rains and then freezes at night is even worse. Putting some tunnels that lead from every dorm into every basement would make us much safer, and not to mention, how cool would that be?
Bring back Homeplate paninis
Yeah, ’14s are the only people at this school that remember the glory of Homeplate. No, we’ll never stop mourning. How much can a couple of panini presses, a weekly order of waffle fries and some nice bread cost? Definitely not $100 million.
Make a Marauder’s Map
Two things are guaranteed at Dartmouth – Keystone and Murphy’s Law. No matter how great your grades are or how sweet your internship is, this school is simply too small to avoid all the people you don’t want to see when you don’t want to see them. Fall down the stairs? Had a horrendously embarrassing hookup? Did something stupid at tails? The people who saw you will be in Collis while you’re waiting for stir-fry. You will run into everybody who you have ever humiliated yourself in front of. It’s just a fact, and could totally be rectified with a Marauder’s Map. Awkward encounters, be gone.
Bring back the party packs
Because there is nothing better than breadsticks and marinara sauce at 2 a.m.. Nothing.
Hire some snow sculpture professionals
Remember when our snow sculptures were works of art? Yeah, neither do I. We used to have pirate ships, majestic castles and the Cat in the Hat. Let’s get ourselves trained and restore the Mardi Gras of the North to its former glory.
Build some better parking
A-Lot is just too freaking far.
Fix GreenPrint
This is a serious suggestion. Is having a printing system that never stops working two minutes before you’re supposed to hand in your final papers too much to ask? Or when you’re behind that guy who hasn’t done any of the reading and is printing out a stack of 800 pages and the printer decides to just stop working and spit out balls of crumpled, toner-less crap? Actually, that last one could probably be dealt with if we were half as committed to our classes as we are to finding the perfect flairy outfit for tails.
Donate some real hot tubs to frat row
Nobody needs to get staph from soaking in a claptrap wood-plank-and-tarp contraption. Besides, they’re less controversial than kiddie pools.
And finally…
Get Beyoncé for Green Key
Because obviously.