The Deregtory

Well, I am officially no longer a college football player. We played our last game on Saturday, finishing the season in style with a 31-0 win over Princeton. It was our first shutout since 1996 and capped our first winning season since 1997. It’s sad to know that football is done, but it ended about as well as it could have. I didn’t cry after the game, which was a pleasant surprise, and finishing with a shutout was a nice exclamation point on our careers. Also, I know that football isn’t really done forever because hopefully someday I’ll have the opportunity to make my son play football and live vicariously through him.

Just as sad as being done with football is being done with the Deregtory, and I decided that I wanted to do something special this week. Seeing as it is an emotional time for me and I have always expressed myself best through poetry, I decided to write a poem. I hope you like it.

An Ode to Dartmouth Football

My Dartmouth football career started three years ago,
Despite my toned physique, expectations were low.
I wasn’t recruited, came in as a walk-on,
Helmet, shoulder pads, cleats, and jock on.

Leaving for college was very nerve-racking,
Playing football, I thought I was in for a shellacking.
All summer long I lifted weights and ate my veggies,
Unfortunately that didn’t prepare me for an onslaught of wedgies.

I’m actually just kidding, there’s no hazing on our team,
If any compliance officers are reading, the freshman life is a dream,
But on the field, the move to college was a tough transition,
Had dreams of gridiron glory; none came to fruition.

Then sophomore year was anything but fun,
We lost all ten games, couldn’t even win one.
A short list of things made me happy that year:
Family, friends, the occasional ice-cold beer.

Lost the first five games of junior year, had a losing streak of 17,
Losing ten games was bad, but this was just getting obscene.
Finally on homecoming we broke that wretched curse,
We were still not very good, but thankfully Columbia was worse.

This year we appeared to finally turn the corner,
Thanks in large part to our fans, and the shrieking of Katie Horner.
Dartmouth football glory, we began to restore,
We won six of our games, and only lost four.

The winning record was our first in 13 seasons,
As to why it took so long, I can offer only one reason.
So ponder this question over a tea, or a cold lager:
Did any of those 13 teams have a bench-warming blogger?

For leading us to six wins, I will surely be exalted,
As for the losses, how could a backup be faulted?
Either way, what matters most is what football has given me,
Big muscles, concussions, free sweatpants and hoodies.

I know that someday I will look back on these years and smile,
About the friends I’ve made, the memories we’ve compiled.
But now it’s time for me to move on to the next thing,
Good luck to the boys next year, and bring home that ring!

Thanks for reading all year, I hope you have enjoyed it because I’ve had a great time writing. There’s a chance I am going to start blogging again in the spring, but until then I’ve created a Twitter account (@thederegtory) to keep you posted on all of the really important things that I usually have to say. Thanks again to everybody who helped make my senior season a memorable one, and GO DARTMOUTH!