Oh, we were comfortable. Perhaps too comfortable. But then editor-in-chief Lindsay Ellis made us an offer we simply couldn’t refuse. And now, everything has changed. Can you blame us for being young and naive? Once we were happy, lying fully prostrate and partially nude while blogging. Hank rested on a mini-futon, Fish on a sheetless bed. But now we find ourselves sitting at “desks” as we write our “column,” disgusted at the dry husks of men that we have become. We used to blog for fun, for relaxation and for the Choates. Now we’re under the bright lights and we’ve realized that we’re all too easily tantalized by the fruits of fame. Now we have to choose: either we dare to be true, fully expecting to be transferred to the Arts & Entertainment section, or we start producing “click bait” to land our dream jobs at Buzzfeed, where we end up like the Winklevoss twins, rich in Bitcoin but poor in spirit.
For those of you who know Hank and Fish, you know that we are thinkers, concerned with affairs of the mind and issues of philosophy. Thus, as we are prone to do, we fled from the oppressive burdens of reality this week and escaped into the protective cocoon of sports fantasy. For these reasons (and others too numerous and painful to recount), Riding the Pine has decided to present you with our Fantasy NBA offseason outcomes this week. While all the trades and free-agent signings we present are technically possible under the constraints of the NBA salary cap, we understand that they will likely not come to pass. We’ve decided to write about them anyway.
For our simple-minded readers (and for Hank), the easiest potential free-agency move to understand is LeBron James returning to his old team, the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Cavaliers have an extremely flexible salary cap situation and room to sign a superstar to a max contract. With Lebron opting out of his contract in Miami to explore free agency, anything is possible.
Though Cleveland has won the draft lottery in a ridiculous three of the last four years, they still failed to make the playoffs in a weak Eastern Conference last year. While they’ve misfired on a few draft picks — including last year’s number one pick Anthony Bennett — they still have a few pieces that could attract LeBron back to his old stomping grounds. Kyrie Irving, 2011’s top pick, mans the point and, just a few days ago, the Cavaliers made Drake’s new-single “Draft Day” prophetic by drafting University of Kansas superstar Andrew Wiggins to keep Johnny Manziel company along the Cuyahoga River.
Although the Cavaliers’ roster is not nearly as impressive as James’s other suitors, emotional considerations could play a huge factor. Born and bred in Akron, LeBron’s mostly successful tenure in Cleveland was tainted by his inability to win a championship along with his widely panned televised “Decision” to go to Miami. A return home would offer James a chance at redemption and would help define his legacy as a player willing to carry the incredible burden of trying to win a title for his hometown.
LeBron could also go in the complete opposite direction and embrace his image as a basketball mercenary out for titles at any cost. There are plenty of teams that offer immediate opportunities for title contention, but the Houston Rockets epitomize the modern NBA notion of rootless superstars. With Dwight Howard (a top player already on his third team) and James Harden (playing for his second team at just 24 years old), the Rockets are a team from nowhere. If Rockets general manager Daryl Morey plays his cards right, the Rockets could reinforce this narrative by fielding an incredible superstar roster with Howard, LeBron and fellow free agent superstar Carmelo Anthony all wearing the same colors.
James and Anthony have said they hope to play together in their NBA careers. If Morey convinces them to team up in Houston, he could make deals that would shape the NBA’s landscape for years to come. But to make the deal work under the NBA’s current salary cap framework, the Rockets would have to first sign LeBron for slightly less than the NBA’s maximum contract, a deal perhaps made more palatable by the fact that the state of Texas has no income tax. After signing LeBron, the Rockets would have to off-load a few contracts, presumably in a sign-and-trade with the New York Knicks, for Carmelo Anthony. Grantland’s Bill Simmons has envisioned a deal where the Knicks would send Anthony to the Rockets for Harden, prospect Donatas Motiejunas and New York City legend Jeremy Lin. This deal would transform both squads, making the Rockets one of the most fearsome teams in recent NBA history and redefining the Knicks as an offensive powerhouse who would simultaneously boast one of the worst defensive backcourts imaginable.
What is perhaps most appalling about this scenario is that bearded basketball superstar James Harden is a mere four years older than we here at Riding the Pine. Our more astute readers have probably already realized that this is only one of the subtexts coursing through this article: Hank and Fish are also clearly living, breathing manifestations of LeBron’s two potential destinations.
Will we choose our “Cleveland” and return to Dartbeat, our beloved former home now dilapidated following our departure, to win page views for the blog that raised us from boys to men? Or will we choose our “Houston” and bust out record-setting listicles and “what Dumbledore gif are you?” quizzes, becoming the most celebrated columnists in the history of The Dartmouth? Constrained by the burdens of crushing reality, we will probably change nothing and instead succumb to the forces of growing inertia as we age, creeping closer, ever closer, to our imminent deaths. Just like LeBron will almost definitely stay in Miami.
